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Old 01-06-2013, 09:09 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 621
Default Goody and possible future relationships

Quote:
What he says or does, that he can control and modify, but facial expressions, gestures... He can no more control that than the color of his eyes or what his face does when he's asleep. It's hereditary and instinctive (I saw it in my kids when they were still babies)
I know, that's why I need a way to handle this. A big part of the solution will be getting used to it, I guess.

Quote:
Good luck, I know you guys will find some solutions.
Thanks, as far as I am able to speak of experience here, I am tempted to agree with you on this one

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As I had an interesting conversation with Sward, I thought about sharing it and marking one of our poly-check-ins while at it. Maybe to one day look back on my own coming to terms with the possible polyness of my husband and how things started out.

The thought that Sward may want a second relationship was there right from the beginning. At first, it totally frightened me, I was hardly able to understand myself in regard to my desires, I felt unable to start thinking about my former 'one and only' going through something like this as well. It is still a bit scary, because I don't know how he would handle multiple relationships and (as usual ^.^) I am starting with the worst possible outcome when thinking about it. But I became more and more comfortable around the theoretical concept. I thought myself into a safe place by now.

Over the course of almost a year he developed a really close friendship with our neighbor's daughter (the neighbor who is my godmother). As she is a regular part of our life (more precisely his life), I thought about naming her, even though there aren't positive names coming to mind, when I try to characterize her. I will go with Goody, I guess, because she is a real goody-goody. She is one of those persons who can't say no, totally naive, stuck in a relationship with a real douchebag, gets pushed around daily and asks herself all the while, why there are so many problems in her life. Because of Sward's caring nature, he started to listen to her worries and tried to help her see the whole of the situation she is in. Wasn't successful up to now, I guess it never will be, I lost my patience with her months ago.

Short description: She is 10 years younger than us, a bit overweight, blonde, shy, a pleaser, never shuts up as soon as she gets comfortable enough to actually start talking and in need of some self discipline in many areas of her life. Goody has acquired many of those traits from her mother, both women are too sweet-natured and not used to stand up for themselves.

He was out with her and a good friend of hers yesterday. They went drinking and talked. That's why we came to discuss his possible desire for a second relationship. Not with her or her friend, just in general. They asked him if he was 'allowed' to search for another woman for himself or if I would have a problem with this. Sward answered that we would have to see in any given case that this may be happening for him and that he wasn't sure how things would work out in that case. From Sward's point of view it would be really difficult to find someone, because he works most of the time, has only every second night to spend and wouldn't really want that person to come live with us, because he thinks that this would be too stressful for him. Both girls assured him that he would be able to find someone, 'because there are many women out there, who have the same problem with time and space and wouldn't want a relationship 24/7 at all'.

Aside from the possibilities that are surely there, in my opinion, (of course Sward would be able to find someone and the girls where right as far as I am concerned) I explained to him, how far I have come with making up my mind regarding this topic.

I wouldn't want anyone living with us, I guess. I am normally having a hard time with people in 'my space' and the person joining in, would need some personality along the lines of Lin's to blend with mine. Sward's and my bedroom would be off limits, as well as many of our shared activities most of the time. I don't mind someone coming along now and then, but not on a regular basis. Living next to each other or in a closer area of each other would be perfectly fine. I just need my own household to be separate. I wouldn't mind children in the long run, as well as a 60/40 or even 50/50 time-split (I guess, not sure about this one).

That's as far as I have come. Everything theory, nothing slightly put into practice and I know that I would be a lot slower with my processing than Sward back then. But I think that it would be complicated, that I would need some kind of secondary arrangement for quite some time, maybe for ever, because I can't imagine him living with someone else and not with me. (If one defines secondary as not living together, not sharing finances, not getting most of his time, yada, yada …) I am more like Lin in regard to intimacy. Sward does not only not mind being exposed to Lin and my intimacy, he even likes it in some ways. I would need more space and wouldn't want to know too much.

How valid all of this is … I have no idea, but that would be the point I am at right now. We will see.
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Last edited by Phy; 01-06-2013 at 09:12 AM.
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