Something I noticed: I am getting the sense that some view poly as you just do your thing and I do mine. In my house, we are in a life-long relationship. We do not operate our lives quite that independently, or have one foot out the door.
Everyone runs their polyships different. Over here we are married and interdependent and prefer that model. *shrug*
Again.... just tell him straight up how you feel about it and what you struggle with here and WHY.
Do not offer to do things that you are NOT willing to do. That is not self respecting behavior.
From this quote?
Which brings us to today. My husband has a healthy relationship with a great gal. No drama, but also higher maintenance. He would rather spend time with ex-lover, or at least add her into the mix. However, I simply can't stand the thought of her in our lives again. My blood pressure actually rises and I see red. I sincerely wish her ill. The year they dated was the hardest of my life.
I try to play this out in my head. What if I have no contact with her? If we are just honest and say we don't like each other and we won't interact? Would that work? How do I get around the feeling of contempt for my husband's interest in someone universally looked down upon my our social circle and whom I do not trust and who causes me such anxiety because she is such a disruptive force?
So, I guess what I am asking is, do I have to suck it up because it's not my gf, it's his? Or do I exercise veto power -- which I don't like to do obviously because I want my husband to be happy -- and say, honey, I truly wish the thought of her in your life did not make my blood boil, but it does.
Here's what I hear...
- I do not want you to take up with your cheatee.
- I feel disrespected that you even bring it up, and devalued if you actually do so.
- I feel contempt for your interest in someone universally looked down upon my / our social circle.
- I do not trust her because she causes me anxiety and because she is such a disruptive force. It was horrible for me when you were with her before -- I am not willing to revisit that.
- I am not willing to put myself at risk to build trust there with such a person so I could get ok with her as my metamour. She is not trustworthy to me.
- I feel cagey and uncomfortable. So please do not put me in that position by asking me. I feel it devalues and disrespects our marriage to bring cheatee person back.
- You are free to seek another GF who is low maintenance if the current one is too high maintenance for you. It isn't like you do not have other options. I am more willing for you to pursue that one and can feel more at peace with that option.
And if your relationship agreements/arrangements with your husband has a "veto power" option in it... this is the time to invoke it.
Again -- tell him straight up how you feel and give him the right to clear communication.