Thread: My Fears
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Old 01-06-2013, 07:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,728

You are not going to lose them, even if you find you have outgrown the romance. You can all still be friends.

I have had my moments where I have straight up said "I am leaving", with no reason. With no logical reason besides I want to.

Wanting to leave is a perfectly good reason to leave.
Relationships come for a "reason" or "a season." The relationships who have a "the season of a lifetime" are rare. You are not bad to have reached the end of the season in a relationship. If the season is over for you (it sounds like it is), then be ok with it having run as long as it has.

Coming to terms with that can be hard. I remember my first big break up with a significant BF. I was no longer getting needs met there because my needs had changed. Did not make him a bad person. Did not make me a bad person. Time had just gone by and things changed and we had grown apart. What he wanted for himself in his life was not a match to what I wanted for myself in mine.

It would be like a traveling person trying to be with a homebody. Or a pet lover trying to be with an allergy person who cannot deal in pets. It doesn't make the people BAD to have things just not match up any more and for one of them to acknowledge that the season has ended.

I know what I am saying is bad about them, but realistically they aren't bad people. They are good people, they took me in without intentions of this relationship, when my parents kicked me out. They clothed me, sheltered me, comforted me, catered me and pretty much did the things they did not have to. I am not justifying their wrongs but no one is perfect.
Yes, and that was kind of them to do. But that does not make you beholden to them forever, and you can STILL BE THERE for them just as much as a good friend or even a roomie.

How you share yourself as a lover, as a romantic partner is another thing -- you are not obligated to be someone's romantic partner just because they clothe, shelter, or comfort you!

However, I am still terrified of losing them because I love them with every fibre of my being.
I love my exes to this day. They are not lost to me -- I'm not super tight with them like I once was, but I know I can ping them with big news if I need to. Like the birth of my kid, or my dad's illness. But "A Love of your Life" can stay a love of your life without them being "The Current, Active Love(s) of My Life." I did not die. My life went on. So did my exes lives. The shape of the relationships changed, but they are not lost to me. You will not die if the relationship shape changes to friendship and your people will not be lost to you.

From your posts you sound tired of the arguing and fussing in the triad. You also sound like you would be willing to stay in romantic relationship if they could get that under control.

Are they getting that under control? Doesn't sound like it.

It is sad, and you might wish for different. But don't throw yourself and your best health under the bus. You sound like you've been here a good long while and have really given it your all. But you giving it your 100% effort is only 1/3 of what a triad needs. You cannot carry the triad alone if your triad partners are not pulling weight.
  • You may wish for different, but reality is 33.33% is not 100% effort in triad.
  • They may wish for different, but reality of their actions show otherwise -- they cannot deliver the missing 33.33% (him) and missing 33.33% (her.)

This is not the right relationship shape for this cast of players. Perhaps a friendship shape would work better.

Are you worried about your dating history? Like you "cannot be a good partner" somehow with Nathan or Derek and now Glenn and Sam? Could that be part of the hesitation to leave even though you want to?

You are loveable even if "the season" for those relationships were as long as what they were. That doesn't mean YOU are unloveable. There's some bad judgement calls made there... but that's how we all learn sometimes. Bad judgement leads to bad experiences, and learning from that leads to better judgement which leads to better experiences. Forgive yourself for being a young adult. Part of the young adult late teens/early 20s time IS to collect experiences to use for yardsticks in later life. Nobody is perfect. What matters is how you use your yardsticks to guide yourself in your life moving forward.

You could welcome opportunity to make brand new choices for your adult self going forward then. You are not your past, and you are not your bad experiences. You deserve happiness! Reach out toward it! You have worth, dignity, and value!

How would you like your healths to best be today? Tomorrow? You could consider listing everything, every little thing great or small. Get the lay of the land in your inner landscape there for your best health picture:
  • Mental Health = I would like to be or have____? (Free of stress? Anxiety?)
  • Emotional Health = I would like to be or have____? (Free of worry about losing them? Breaking up scenes? Verbal arguments?)
  • Physical Health = I would like to be or have____? (Free of STD risks? Unplanned pregnancy risk? Better sleep?)
  • Spiritual Health = I would like to be or have____? (At peace in your soul? Feeling joy in living -- joie de vivre? Stable and not shaken up or lost inside?)

Just ID what those things could be. Then rest.

Later you can look at your list and prune it down -- see what is reasonable, what is realistic. Then how to organize so you can get the aid to get these things for yourself. You are responsible for taking care of you.

If your parents will take you back as an adult child back home as an adult roomate person contributing to the household, could consider that and what that entails as you assess your options. I'm not saying "just go home!" I am saying -- breathe. Put that as a heading on your list. Then "pros & cons" it and consider that taking that option would entail. Like...
  • What was the reason for them kicking you out? Can that be mended? Or are you safer staying away if the home life was volatile?
  • Do they live in a good environment where you could find good work? Or out too far away in a rural space and you'd be stuck for transport to a job?
  • Is the rent you will pay them affordable? Or will you be exchanging chores/work for your room and board instead? What is expect of you? Can you deliver taht? How will you be contributing as an adult member of the household there?

Is your current job enough to live on? Do you need to apply for new work that pays better? Are you seeking continued adult education? Practical things like that.

Again, you wouldn't be the first, and wouldn't be the last person on Earth to need help. You will be ok. I have faith in you that you can choose good things for yourself in your young adult life. YOU have faith in you too! You can do this!

But you have to actually get around to choosing the things in your life for yourself. It won't come by magic. You have to actually reach out toward your next future happiness and meet it halfway.

Hang in there.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-06-2013 at 08:04 AM.
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