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Old 12-31-2009, 09:32 AM
dakid dakid is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 191
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honey i know how it is to feel like i have disappointed my parents, because i have many times on many levels!
my parents are both academics and i dropped out of school at 16. i later followed that with dropping out of nursing studies to have a nervous breakdown. but wait there's more! i came out first as lesbian, then later as bisexual, and now as polyamorous too.
my mum dealt with all this in her own way and is now very accepting of everything except the poly part of my life, although she respects me enough to remain tactful and polite and not to force her views upon me. her inital way of coping with my queer sexuality was to try and marry me off to my best friend and encourage us to make babies any way we could! bless her. i have no doubt she will eventually come around to understanding my poly-ness in time, because that's the kind of woman she is.
my father, however, will never accept me for who i am. his dream daughter would be skinny, with long hair (mine is shaved), well-educated and heterosexual. preferrably married with a child or three. with hobbies like opera and ballet, and reading only officially "good" literature.
well i have come to realise that just as i am a disappointment to him, so he is to me.
sounds like a little thing, a play on words, but really this was a fundamental shift for me in how i perceive our relationship.
he has disappointed me hugely in his inability to cherish me for who i really am. my mum's brilliance only highlights his failings. he is homophobic, dishonest, and small-minded.
not only that but he had a secret affair (or several) behind my mum's back and is now married to the woman who was his mistress. what a disappointment he is to all of us, although sadly only me and my mum can see that (my brother still hero-worships him).
as soon as i was able to see things this way round, to stop blindly seeking his approval and to actually apply some critical judgement about how he measures up as a father, i stopped beating myself up for failing to be the daughter he wanted and started to celebrate who i actually am.
i'm not saying your family have the faults he has, maybe they are more like my mum and will come around in time, i sure hope so.
i just share this because i hope it might help you to see things from a different perspective. are your family living up to your hopes or are they disappointing you? you deserve the best, sometimes we only find that when we start to create our own family (our chosen family, as we queers like to call it) and stop trying to fit a round peg into the square hole that is our blood-relatives.
all the very best, and sorry for rambling! hope it makes some sense...
x
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