Originally Posted by dust
. . . I don't know what our marriage means anymore, I had a fantasy about us being special and that it was us against the world. That fantasy isn't exactly gone, but I'm having a hard time overlaying it on poly - where the two of us simply can't complete her. I feel like we are meant for each other, and I don't want to give that up.
No one can complete anyone else. We are all whole human beings, and if we feel incomplete, no other person can fix that for us. It's an illusion that only can change from the inside. Likewise, believing that we can complete another person is a dangerous myth to invest in. You start thinking that that is your role in life, and then you won't know what to do with yourself when the bubble bursts and you realize she was whole all along.
But you are a whole person and so is she, so you are both already complete.
Whether in a polyamorous or mongamous relationship structure, you and your wife STILL CAN BE:
special to each other,
allies in facing the challenges of life (the world), AND
meant for each other.
Her being with someone else does not take away or negate any of these things. All it means is that she's spending time and relation with someone else she cares about. That is all. It is not about you.
Explore what makes you happy and new ways of relating to each other. When you look at each other, realize that each day you are new and growing, and there is always more to learn about a person. This is an exciting time, actually - you have the opportunity to create and reframe what your marriage means for you instead of being hypnotized into adopting what society says it should be. Embrace it. All the best...