I'm pretty certain that is part of the problem. Between being a young widow and trying not to let that destroy me and then being immensely private about my abuse for years until my life was threatened and I felt I needed to find solace in a friend, I am almost trained to swallow my feelings as not to upset other people. It so happens that the friend who was the first person I told about my abuse was the man that was later part of my triad who cheated on me. I am classic over thinker and it really hard for me to trust but when I do I am extremely loyal a partner (even in a poly sense). So, when I do and it is violated I take it into my brain far too deeply.
So, I recognize where a lot of my issues probably originate. My health insurance kicked in this week and I intend to find a therapist. Though, I really want one that understands poly which is likely going to be challenge on insurance. I have never been comfortable with the idea of therapy because of the difficulty I have opening up but I know I have to attempt to take care of myself and deal with the abuse aftermath if nothing else. I would probably like it if he would eventually go with me but I don't think that is all that likely. So, for now, it is going to be me looking after my own mental health.