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Old 01-06-2013, 02:56 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 461

I still think there's a difference between him having a secondary partner and a full "sharing" of him, so there's still a switch in ways of thinking I may or may no be able to do.
You are absolutely right about this. Sharing him with another primary, in a V, is different to sharing some of him with a secondary.

Ultimately I guess I still want to control how deeply they become involved/how central she becomes in his life because I can only share so much, regardless of whether this is even possible. Sorry if it doesn't sound grown up! But please remember I'm not poly-wired so do struggle with this whole scenario. In all honesty I would prefer it if he was just a swinger, and I would prefer it if she had another primary relationship, but I also know I want them both to be happy and that they want me to be happy. I know they'd always consider my feelings and comfort.
This made me smile. Hey, you're being honest! It doesn't matter if you don't sound like a Poly Yoda. It's perfectly ok to say that you'd be happier if your primary partner was polysexual/swinger. You have to search inside yourself and follow your own needs. I understand control. Of course we want to control things. To have out life out of control is scary as hell. Unfortunately though... in my opinion... no matter what we do.... the only way out is to give up the idea of controlling someone else and turn it inwards - control *our* lives, our decisions, our actions.

Incidentally, I have often found that polysexuality becomes polyamory, whether we like it or not. My girlfriend, who used to be very promiscuous in her twenties, adamantly believed that sex and emotion could be separated. After dating a few people, she's started to change her views on this. She now feels that if you spend a certain amount of time with someone, or if you have sex, emotions are going to start to grow. I have a tendency to believe this too, whether I want it or not. So rather than trying to prevent things... I am trying to just let them happen - because I feel that they will happen one way or another anyway. That is just my belief.

sparklepop: yep, you've hit the nail on the head. It is painful that no matter how much I give it's not enough. I didn't realise I was signing up to a full V so it is a boundary I feel is being slowly trampled on and I am powerless to do anything.
This is really one of the genuine solid cruxes of what you have every right to be uncomfortable about. You didn't sign up for this. Unfortunately, it's happening anyway. Even if your boyfriend turned around tonight and agreed to calm his other relationship down, or adopt a more polysexual viewpoint, would that actually change his mind or his needs?

My favourite mantra for life is the Latin phrase: 'mutantur omnia nos et mutamur in illis' . It means 'all things change, and we change with them'. I believe in this idea so strongly that I wanted to have it permanently tattooed on my body, to guide me through life. I hate to admit it, but I can be a control freak. Without even realising it, I try to restrict when I am floundering. The only difference between me and someone who *is* a control freak (i.e. rather than 'can be') is that I don't *want* to be.

To me, nothing is valuable if it's not real. If it's synthetic, it's not real; thus, it's not valuable. If my girlfriend is falling in love with someone else and wants another primary, I can try to stop it. I might even succeed in squashing it. But she felt it. She wanted it. I can't change that. Most likely, she'll want it again. Should I keep trying to force a synthetic environment in which she is not allowed to do something that upset me? Or should I allow what is real to be real? That doesn't mean I have to stay around, if it pains me: I can leave. But if she feels something, wants something, if it's real for her, she should have it - with or without me. I would rather accept that just like engagement, marriage, divorce... relationships (like everything in life) change... and we can change with it.

I want to get to the point of "sod it" and let him make his own decisions - I think I'll get there eventually
Trust me, I completely, utterly understand your pain.

How long have you guys been together, by the way?

- and he keeps saying I'll remain his primary, although I am starting to feel (especially without living together or sharing a life in a practical way) that it's just a hollow term. When I ask he isn't able to say what he means or what's the difference between the two relationships apart from us seeing each other more often. So perhaps it's the idea that us seeing each other much more often than them is literally the only things remaining differentiating the two relationships in my mind and protecting my "primary" feelings, which I do need to be able to cope (as I'm not poly). Does this make sense?
It does make sense. What I'm seeing here is that you want a partner who considers your feelings as their primary priority. You want to be a primary; very likely a solo primary. You do not like the idea of being a joint primary, or being a join secondary.

For me, primary and secondary poly *is* about choosing one person as a priority. No, it doesn't mean treating the secondary like a second-rate human being. It means being honest with them about what you have to offer and treating them with as much respect as you would your primary; but feeling a greater commitment to the primary. If you were my sole primary and I only wanted one sole primary, I would compromise with you and set a happy medium pace for both of us. The problem that I'm seeing... is that it looks like your boyfriend isn't sure that he does want just one primary, if any primary at all.

But I think you're right, I should let us both learn and grow through this experience. We'll need to figure it out, but I might say we try two nights first and see how it feels without lifting "restrictions" completely. Or is this still being controlling?? We love each other very much and this isn't a major drama/crisis scenario, but it's hard to know exactly how to move forward...
Any time we ask someone to change their behaviour to suit our own needs, we are being controlling. By definition - we are being controlling, because we're controlling something There are different levels of being controlling - you're definitely, definitely not being horrid. You've done an absolutely amazing job, by the sounds of it.

I look at it this way.... I want to place a restriction. Do I want to place it to prevent something from happening; or do I want to place it so that I can do a better job of accepting the inevitable? For example - I recently came back to the UK and asked my GF to hold off from dating for a couple of weeks, to give me time to settle back home (emotional, upsetting time, etc). I hated asking her to do that. But my motivation was *genuinely* because I wanted to give myself an emotional leg-up, so that I could deal with her dating much more easily. I wanted to deal with it more easily, not just for myself, but to be a better partner to her and make her life easier. I didn't ask her not to date to prevent her from dating - I asked her in the hopes of enabling the end goal of her dating.

Taking you and your bf.... If you asked him to compromise on twice a week to *stop* behaviour... in the hopes that it would always be that way... you may have a problem. If you asked him to compromise, because you genuinely want the time to be able to feel better about it, for him and yourself, that's a more productive reason.

I was thinking about this a little tonight and something struck me. Rather than jumping into the decision of giving the green light for two or three nights.... perhaps you two need to back up a bit.

Before anything happens, (I think) you really need to know where you stand. You can only ask him to do certain things for you if he wants a primary/secondary model. If he does, he has to genuinely see you as his primary to be able to make any decisions based on your comfort. Clarity in poly relationships is so important. If you're not his primary, if he's not committed to you, you can't really ask him for anything - because essentially all he's saying is "I love you, but I'm not committed, I just want to enjoy you, but make my decisions completely independently of our relationship".

If he does see you as a primary and wants that commitment... yes... if you need a compromise, it's only been two months... I'd say that's reasonable. (IF you truly think it would help you and you're not just trying to restrict behaviour/emotion). I hope what I said makes sense. I waffle like nobody else I know... ~laughs~

me: open poly (31, female)

involved with:
GF: (41, female) my long-distance, long-term partner
Earth: (35, female) newly dating

Hubby: (38, male) GF's husband
Garcon: (28, male) GF's boyfriend/submissive

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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