Thread: My Fears
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Old 01-06-2013, 01:17 AM
GSAS082612 GSAS082612 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Laveen, AZ
Posts: 37
Default My Fears

So, as I have written in here previously, I have stated I am in a polyfidelitous triad with a female, Samantha (21, married to my male partner with a 2 yr. old daughter, new son on the way, is 30 weeks pregnant: Due March 22, 2013.) and a male, Glenn (34, married to my female partner, Divorced from his ex of 9 yrs. Shares 4 kids with her, ages 4-12 and is has a daughter with his now wife and a son on the way.) And I am 18, not married nor do I have kids. I although should include my past history to further explain my relationship to a decent level of understanding.

My female partner and I met when I was 14 and still in my freshman year of high school, she was in her senior year. She and I had a very off-on friendship during the course of the past 3 years. I have although always carried a liking towards her and did love her. I always have. Well, she got involved with Glenn a few months before she graduated, moved in with him, got pregnant and had their daughter Jocelynn a little before being together a year.

At that point, Glennís divorce papers with his wife were in its final stages, and they were engaged prepping to wed. Their affairs, I know very little about. Glenn had made the mistake of sleeping with his ex wife within the allotted year they were together at that point. After Sam had found out, which was on Fatherís day, the first one with the newborn daughter they shared, the light in Samís eyes dimmed the love was tainted and she forgave him without meaning it, and moved on to resent him for what he did.
Their love was trashed; Sam did not seek revenge on Glenn at all within the pre-planning stages of their marriage. And she continued to wed Glenn 4 months after finding out of his cheating. The anger continued to build within her and she felt the need to get even and after being married less than 4 months, on Valentineís Day this past year, Sam cheated on her husband with a co-worker of theirs, and did not tell him of her infidelity at all. But she didnít feel that did justice, she cheated on Glenn again with her ex boyfriend, Ricky, and continued to pursue a relationship despite Samís marriage; they held hands and kissed and planned a future together despite the man she had at home. Well Glenn found out and it essentially killed him. He never knew the woman he loved could mutilate his heart like that.

Now, on to me, Sam and I were on very rocky terms before and a time after she got married up until January of 2012. We started talking again after I went to help her pack for the new place she and Glenn were moving to. Well, before all of this happened, I got involved with a man with a tricky past, Derek, he was 18 at the time with a 1 year old son, Christopher. I got involved with him and 5 days after getting together I made the mistake of cheating on him with my best guy friend. This was planned and knew exactly the cost of what would happen. We werenít protected for half of the sex, and he then went to use protection. Well, long story short, we had sex, and him, Sam and I essentially made out together in the apartment, on Valentineís day (yes, the day she cheated on Glenn with her co-worker, Tim) that was still in Samís name for the rest of the February month. And well, things were very iffy between all of us and I was still involved with my boyfriend Derek. About 3 weeks after Derek and I had sex, I found out I was pregnant, I was 8 weeks pregnant.

I wasnít pregnant with Derekís baby, but Nathanís. I told Derek I was pregnant in early April and Iíd known for about a month. At that point in time, I was 12 weeks pregnant. I was determined to keep the baby but tried to hide it from my boyfriend because of the fact that, he could leave me alone, to raise a child. I was selfish and didnít want that especially because the father, a: didnít know and b: was going into the Air Force. I didnít want to put that on him and didnít think it would be a good idea at all to distract him like that. We talked and wrote letters while he was gone and I wrote a dozen letters telling him about the baby about it being his and apologizing, but I never could send them. I didnít expect him to WANT to be there, nor did I think he would be involved.

I was dead set on having the baby having Derekís last name, Derek be daddy, the end. But I slipped it to Sam when Derek was around that the babyís father wouldnít be around, it confused him and in June I confessed it was Nathanís. He knew Nathan and I had sex so it wasnít ďNewĒ news to him but it then made sense to him, he never calculated the weeks really up until then and had his suspicions but never admitted to it. In late June, Early July, Derek and I were on the rocks and were given no choice but to tell Nathan. I told Nathan and he flipped, he lost his mind frankly didnít want to believe it, not that I blame him. I had at that point found out I was having a girl and wanted to name her Scarlet Chelsea. 3 weeks later, I suffered a miscarriage.

That resulted in me moving in with Sam and Glenn. Derek and I were in the worst parts of our relationship. He was physically, mentally and verbally abusive and controlling. My feelings for Sam were never rushed or forced but with how Derek was he made it impossible to NOT want to have Sam. Although I never intended to cheat on Derek, I did though for them. There was a three some that led to something else. And the next day they asked me to ďmarry themĒ. I was pretty much like ďokayĒ I mean, I wanted it but didnít trust it would last especially because I didnít have any feelings for Glenn besides that he was sexy and good in bed.

My love for Sam though grew. And it has since. But she got jealous when she realized our love for one another was developing quicker than before. It wasnít until a month after we had been in the poly-fi relationship, I had officially broken up with Derek and made it clear that I wanted to stay with them that Glenn told me he loved me. And I do. Being girls it is a natural thing to have our emotions toy with us and get a very jealous, envious emotion when the man they love is with another woman without them. My love for Sam though, was strained because she is pregnant and she started showing more which was hard to deal with. Because I did love my daughter and wanted her, It wasnít until Late October that Glenn realized what the deep rooted problem was and I just couldnít take it. It felt like I was pushing myself and sometimes I tried but it was too much. I couldnít handle it at points and it brought me to tears.

When I lost Scarlet, I didnít know how to deal and I didnít know how to talk about it. So, I turned to a recovering website, my major issues were hidden by small drinking binges, lashing out and cutting. And I am just barely starting to cope, which was why Glenn and I did agree to try for a baby. I am not pregnant and we have stopped trying with the new issue. I just now have a new issue. The way I lost Scarlet is how I feel I could lose Glenn and Sam. With Samís mistake, it kills me to know our love could be at its end because of a mistake pre-me. We all had a talk last night and have tried to see what we can do. Glenn has said that he doesnít want me to hurt or be hurt because he loves me. He is a very selfish man when it comes to us, but he isnít selfish if that makes sense? I donít know. He loves and wants what is best for me but doesnít want to lose me. And he knows that if he decides to stay the time Sam and Glenn will need to work, will be skewed compared to my time with Glenn or Sam. We will need that individual time and couple time and triad time to grow but with Glenn and Sam trying to work at their relationship to fix what they have will interrupt a lot of things and make it nearly impossible.

And even at this point Glenn isnít sure if he is staying or leaving. I told him I will stick by him and he wasnít so sure of that up until I text him yesterday a heartfelt message: ďRemember at one point, i was telling you everything your telling me now "Iím sorry I'm such a mess" "I can't think" "Iím sorry your getting the bad end of my emotions" "I donít know how bad Iím going to be" "I donít know if you can handle it" "you could change your mind after all you see" "this isnít what you bargained for" "you deserve better" and you always said the one thing I didnít trust but now I do, "I love you" itís my turn, no matter how badly u push me off, I will stand tall and be there for you, Iíll have my moments like you did but I know Iíll only rise up stronger, because u have shown me I am. And I can be that person for u. Iíll help u stand when u cant. I love youĒ

I want to be there for them both because they were there for me during the hardest parts of my life, and Glenn especially because he took more of the beatings of me and my problems despite him not having to. I am not perfect and nor are they but they did stand by me. I donít know. I am such a mess. I love them and I want to be with them. I am scared I am losing the loves of my life. I say I can be here. And I want to and want them to work but I am nowhere near as strong as I pretend to be. I say I will be ok without them but I am not so sure. I will be.

I am scared. Do I voice how I feel or let them think I am strong? And if they leave what do I do then? I am not here just because I have nowhere else to go. I donít have a backup plan. I am here because I intended for this to work and hope it will but I am scared. At this point, ANY advice will be helpful. Thanks.
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