Originally Posted by SJJ
I am mostly a very together person that doesn't outwardly show distress. This makes me feel weak.
I wonder... do you think it's part of the problem? I'm only asking because I'm the same in a way, and there's a big price to pay - if showing distress makes you feel weak you might bottle it up and when it explodes your self-preservation mode might kick in in an OTT way.
Also, I know I really struggle with the difference between the way I'd like to be (totally chilled, secure, not finding poly difficult) and the reality that sometimes things make me feel sad, anxious, stressed or jealous. I have found that trying to put a "brave face" without listening to inner voice has resulted in me tying myself up in knots and I'd also feel guilty about finding it difficult in the first place, so when it finally comes out it's completely overwhelming to me and my partner. Another thing was that I associated him being with others with me being miserable and found it increasingly hard to forgive mistakes and move on, so my boundaries became stricter to the point that they've been suffocating to my partner. Since letting go of the idea that I "should be" stronger/more ok with things, accepting we've both made mistakes, separating my insecurities from the dynamics of his other relationships and accepting my own distress by simply being able to say "I feel sad" before it escalates in my head, things have been much better... perhaps accepting yourself and your feelings - without seeing them as a weakness - would help with the healing...