Well, that is sort of the right summing up and I think in what I originally posted, I was trying to convey that I felt somewhat to blame for having a freak out.
However, it is not the case that he only lied about the flights. He lied - when directly asked several times - about the nature of his relationship with the other woman over a course of months. He may have been honest that he was texting but he wasn't being honest about what was going on. He consistently told me that he was not in love with her, it was just sex, etc. It was not that I was asking frequently and nagging but now and then because I could sense something.
Repetitively , he was only honest on several topics when cornered into giving me a straight answer after deflection attempts. To me, I see that as a hang over from cheating and I tired to give room for that and still am trying but it doesn't stop it from hurting and causing me to question realities.
I am poly and yes that I helped him to realize that and that is why I was (attempting) to convey that I felt some guilt.
However, that said, I don't think that absolves him from responsibility to me and my feelings. I told him from the very start of our relationship that I need honesty and that it would be the one thing that cause my head to go into a swirl if violated. In the course of the last year (and yes I put myself there), I have done a lot of waiting, a lot of trusting, a lot of hanging in there and understanding things take time.
Maybe I should have waited until I was more stable. I did attempt before moving to get preemptive prescriptions but I was without insurance and with it being such a quick move I couldn't get somebody to see me in time. I am not meaning it to sound like an excuse but I have told him since perhaps the second time we slept together everything about my abuse history and whilst I, of course, have a responsibility to his emotions that I take very seriously, I feel that there is some responsibility to me too. Not least when part of the 'chase' of me was to go out of his way to tell me he would protect me emotionally and be the honest partner that others proved not to be.
Now, you are correct that I violated his trust myself with Facebook and not only is that very much against my character but I understand the hypocritical nature of that in relation to what I just said. So, much so that since writing my original post, I have told him about it because I can't sit with dishonesty in my head. I told him what I saw and how I saw it. We discussed what he said and he put it somewhat in context. I am not totally sure how much I believe but I am attempting to conquer my trust issues with him.
I also asked to speak/type with the other woman. He assured me that she would not want to do that but we did actually have a short chat conversation. She is not poly and told me that she would not be comfortable in engaging with me again because she can not understand being friendly or even talking to the main woman when she is the 'other' woman. Whilst that is contrary to my instincts, I am attempting to not let that bother me as much as it could. I have no need to know the full details of their relationship but prior to moving in with each other we had talked about being each other's primaries and how respect had to be shown to each other by any additional partners at all times or things would end with that person. I am not sold on the fact that I am being respected but I am trying to give the space for whatever plays out to play out. I have trouble seeing how a non-poly woman is going to be okay with not being with him solely but time has to tell.
There are other issues that have 'wrong footed' me and part of that has been a change in his employment status right after we moved in which has seen me being the financial support for both of us. He has been toying with the idea of going to Texas for a few months to help his parents fix up a rental property so there can be some income coming his way. I will tell you, that in many ways bothers me more than the other woman. I understand the motivation but I moved to LA to be with him not to be alone with out knowing anybody in the city for months with the occasional visit. I think perhaps I could deal with one situation or the other but both piled on top at the same time really set off the abandonment thing. If we have to survive that separation, I think we can. It is just scary for me.
We have had a lot of conversations since this posting and I think he is trying to be more open and in exchange I am trying to take down my walls that snapped up to protect myself. I feel he is worth the effort and I know that I wasn't fully without blame. I love him a great deal and I am willing to put in the work we both need. I think he is having as many 'sudden change of life' issues as I am. I hope we come out of it together but if we don't it wouldn't have been for a lack of trying.
I hope one day, not to answer in novel length.
Originally Posted by lolalondon
There is something here that confuses me... and SJJ, please correct me if I'm wrong; I read through all your original posts but I'm very tired today so might be out of focus.
What I understood is:
- Yes, he cheated and yes, you were part of it. But you also helped him see he might not be wired for monogamy (not an excuse, but I know it's in the personal history of many poly people I've met before they learned to know themselves and got over the shame and guilt).
- He then left his wife and refused to pretend to be mono or act mono; e.g. learning to stand up for himself and not apologising for who he is.
- He tried to be honest with you by texting her in the open and talking about her openly; you freaked out, so he reverted to his learned behaviour of keeping things underground...
- He only lied (from what I gathered) about his flights, when feeling very stressed, cornered and controlled, clearly triggering past (regressive) behaviours for him. Not an excuse but hardly the making of a habitual liar?
- It sounds like every single time you asked him a question he told you the truth, however difficult. For example when you asked if he told her he loved her.
- You have betrayed his trust by going through his messages, and you haven't made sure you took precautions so that you are stable (e.g. have mental health support or meds for anxiety - it sounds like a problems which occurs regularly enough for you to have a management plan and I'm sure you know stress levels increase with major life changes) when you started living together. Of course you were distressed and I empathise, but it still must have been difficult for him.
- He has now made attempts to do poly better; for example taking note of important dates and sharing with her so they can work around the primary relationship; do you give him an positive reinforcement when he does things right and makes efforts, or only telling him how much he's hurt you when he does things wrong?
- Did you make it clear he had to report to you when they use the "L" word or tell you how they communicate all they time? If not, I really fail to see how he was dishonest to you about the nature of their relationship...
I'm sure there are many things I've misunderstood here, but it does sound like you're blaming his behaviour for the difficulties you are having with managing your own emotions and fears of abandonment (and boy, do I understand how difficult this can be), but he sounds like he was under the impression that he'd get to fully express himself when he's with you and then you started putting walls down and changing boundaries which is making him sad and resentful. Just a thought... I'd say you need to try to trust him more
, not less, if you really want to see if you have a future because you are creating self-fulfilling prophecies.