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Old 01-05-2013, 10:38 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Pros and cons. Yes I think that likely there will be both. Thanks for your post A. I always said that any sign of cheating would be a deal breaker and now I find I am eating my words. Its not so simple. There was and is a lot at stake. Its not just about me.

I realize through all this that I was wrong. I believed that coming together as a family tribe would help me with my abandonment issues and anxiety about belonging. I breed it in my head (in large part, not all) what I was recieving from others in turn for my giving myself away entirely. I didn't give to myself. I shoved down myself to be everything to everyone in order for them to love me.

I think that I was essentially in a monogamous relationship with people and that wasn't healthy for me. It was co-dependant (or whatever other word suits). I was not my own primary, I did everything for everyone else. I always have. It was the same stuff I was dealing with all my life, only bigger and with more people. Its made burn out on poly huge now.

I was so na´ve to think poly was the answer. I think that monogamy might be now. Sure, I could equally be as hurt, but really, I don't think there is much more to take than what its like to be with four people to think about. To me it seems easy to deal with one person now. Even if they treat me badly.

The grief of one person's stuff is easier than the cascade effect of dealing with four people as a result of dealing with one person treating me badly. In monogamy the pain and hurt only effects the couple. That seems far more appealing now. Not as many ripples.

How do I create autonomy, belonging and enjoy the HUGE love I once had. How do I honour my partners in all this. How can i take away what they have known to try something new? What is that "new" thing anyway? I guess that's all part of life; figuring that shit out. It will come. It always does. I will do something, reach the end of it, and do something else... Life goes on.
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