Had my anniversary with Mono yesterday. Four years. We had a lovely night connecting and talking about our lives. He visited with his female friend yesterday and it seems to of gone well. He seems happy to be able to spend time with her. I'm happy for him. Compersion.
I had some time with Brad this week where he and I regrouped. I don't expect to have the same amount or time I once had. I am not as emotionally available as I was and while I think it's temporary I didn't want him to expect as much availability as I once had. I am still regrouping myself as the extent of flirting and propositioning Mono did unfolds. I don't want to make a big deal of it, but I feel as if every female in my proximity was part of it all and it's made me very uncomfortable to be present with anyone. It's keeping me distant for now. I've lost my confidence. I suspect that's temporary also. I dunno. For now I'm too exhausted to know anything.
I am gearing up to do burlesque and spend time concentrating on my own life. I'm thinking of my life as someone who is alone in it. Solo poly. I am not sure if that will bring me success in terms of comfort or what changes that will bring, if any, but I believe it will keep me from being co-dependent. I no longer seem to be able to relate in terms of tribe or family. At least not right now. Not when I'm so vulnerable right now. I love my partners but I am no longer attached it seems. Sigh. Grieving that. I need some layers.
I wish I was one of those people that don't share so much. I suspect a lot of judgments and eye rolling with this post. Part of my lack of confidence in guess.
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