Happy New Year! I can't say that I'm not glad to say goodbye to 2012; it was a year of a heck of a lot of trials and tribulations, and while I am grateful for the lessons that I learned, and the experiences that I had, I'm also not sad about waving goodbye to it and fully embracing the beginnings of the New Year.
I had rented a hotel room for New Years for Elemental, Lily and I, but E. came down with bronchitis/a horrible flu over the Christmas holidays, and he opted out on the celebrations. He wanted to be at home, in his own bed, with everything that he needed, and not feeling like he'd be a downer, or spoil our late night plans. I didn't kick up too much of a fight about it, as he was being so sensible, but it was disappointing to know that he wasn't going to be there for the revelry.
In a gesture of selflessness, Lily offered to drive out and pick me up. She waited until she was almost 30 to get her driver's license, and it's still a little novel for her. I finished up my 3/4 work day, and came home to greet her and E. having tea and a snuggle on the couch; compersion comes easily to me with those two, and I chatted with them as I packed up the last of my stuff and got completely organized to leave with her. We headed to a local tea shop that we love, and picked up some greens and rooibos teas; she has recently given up alcohol, and loves to have tea instead, and I have always felt like tea is food for the soul - so relaxing, soothing, delicious and both social and solitary in its pleasures.
We hit the road and chatted, stopping briefly for coffees and to fill up the tank (on me, least I could do with her heels on the pedal for so long!). It was lovely to put my hand on her knee, entwine my fingers with her, and listen to the sweet peals of her laughter. We talked about Willow and I, and I think I did a good job of expressing where I'm at with all of that.
Willow is in love with me. Big time. He knows that I can only offer him so much, but it doesn't shift the strong feelings that he has in his heart for me. Lily worries that he is going to be left in the lurch at some point, single and hurting, if him and I formally split up. For me, I don't see Willow as having enjoyed a big passion in his life so far. So much of his life seems to be middle ground; fun, but not too much fun, sexy, but not too sexy, connected, but not super passionate. It's a bit like he's had his first orgasm, the way that he's fallen in love with me, and is now entrenched in how fantastic cumming is, and pinning the experience on me. For me, I have been blessed to have a few big loves in my life; I delight in the richness and intensity of that experience, but I no longer feel as though that makes someone "the one" or attach too many expectations to it. I experience it without immersing my whole self in it - it's a part of life, and while it lasts through the test of time, I don't have an attachment to it following a particular path or outcome. Willow seems to be struggling with this.
I told Lily that Willow is a grown man, and that he is capable of choosing what is, and isn't right for him - that I loved him, and enjoyed spending time with him, and that if it was hurting him in any way to be with me, that it was HIS responsibility to make that call for himself, not mine. I said that I would never hold him back from exploring other connections (in fact, I encourange them) and that ultimately I want for him what I want for all those that enter my heart - happiness, success and fulfillment of self. I also expressed my resentment over the idea that somehow it hurts less to lose a connection with someone just because you have a primary partnership. If anything, it puts your primary relationship on the line as you work through your feelings - Elemental and I slept apart for over a month when Sync finally left the scene for good, and our marriage was on the line as we sorted through our shit. I don't have a whole lot of respect for knee-jerk-couples-bias in the poly world. I felt as though I did a good job expressing myself, and while I know that Lily still has some misgivings about how healthy Willow and I's connection is, she seemed satisfied that we had talked about it nonetheless.
We briefly met one of my closest girlfriends so that I could lend her some '80's garb. She loves to go see this comedic-glam-rock band that plays over the top metal ballads, and is more of a comedy show than anything else; the whole audience dresses up, and it's all very hysterical. Lily and her joked around and hit it off, and it made me smile to widen Lily's contact with the people who have been close to me for a long time in my life. We picked Willow up, and headed to our hotel room. I'm an unpacker, so after checking in, my Virgo self had everything organized and looking nice. Watching Lily tuck herself into a clingy black dress with only a hint of strapping at the back, and then slide the fishnets that I had brought with me up those gams of her made me weak at the knees. That girl is so fucking sexy it's ridiculous. She's a txting addict, and I grinned as she taunted some of her boys with pictures of her legs wrapped in the irregular weave of my stockings. I did my makeup, tidied my hair, and slipped into this mad dress of mine that I only bring out for particularly strange celebrations. It's covered in sequins, metal discs and baubles; it's like a modern take on something that Tina Turner would wear, but because it shows cleavage and is all sewn on jersey, it veers away from tacky into fabulous. I love it. Garters, thigh high black stockings and boots, heavy eye makeup and too much lip gloss, silver bangles and earrings, and we were ready to roll out. Willow was in classic guy-who-has-hung-out-with-women-getting-ready-all-his-life mode, playing DJ, having a scotch from his flask, and chilling on the bed. He gave us a final go over, and declared us perfect after a couple of minor adjustments - he's a clothing photographer, amongst other things, and is used to fixing all of the little things that need tucking, clipping, straightening or re-accessorizing. It was time to head out.
The first party was in a swanky condo in an upscale part of downtown. Around 20 people milled about, men in bowties, fancy shooters (lemon vodka jello shaped into lemon peels, little shotglasses of tequila made out of fresh strawberries) and beautiful mango margaritas made with an obscure liquor (pisco?) served in martini glasses. The hosts were lovely and made sure everyone was having a good time, and we chatted and got to know Lily's brother and his friends (who were putting the party on). I felt a shy pride knowing that I was also getting to know the deeper parts of her life - people who have known and loved her for all of her days. After two drinks, I cut the boys off from bringing me more - 115 pounds doesn't give one a lot of places to hide alcohol, and I have zero interest in getting smashed. With only a couple of minutes to spare on our parking meter, we headed to the next party.
I dubbed this party The Wingnut Party in about two minutes. It was grossly underattended, sadly decorated and had terrible music; we SAT DOWN at a table with PLASTIC CUPS of water. Gah! It was a good time to chill, catch up on some txting and emailing, and share grins. Her friend arrived, foxy but a wee bit too obvious for my tastes and we chatted. There was a connection between her and Willow, which made me grin, and I did some invisible high fives in my head when he secured her number. We hung out until around quarter after 11, and then said our goodbyes to head over to the club where my BGF was throwing their queerboi New Year's party. On the list, we headed in. I secured us drinks, and we writhed on the dance floor for awhile. It was sweaty-packed in there, and dominated by hot gay bois - my favourite, really. I felt a lot of happiness being surrounded by all of that acceptance and love, and felt a lot safer making eyecontact that at The Wingnut Party, where straight and socially awkward men seemed ready to show you their penises for inadvertently catching their eye. Eep. One of my friends in full Queen garb counted us into the New Year, and I spent my Elemental-allotted-kiss on Willow, keeping it simple as he'd requested, and then turned to taste Lily's gorgeous mouth. Two kisses from two people I love in one minute? BLISS. I headed up the side of the stage to kiss all of the faboo Queens and wish them a Happy New Year, getting a crazy wet-mouth-kiss from my BGF. We've had some stellar makeouts in the past, and he's been shocked to find that I have given him wood on a few occasions, LOLOL.
Wherever you go.... there you are.