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Old 01-05-2013, 05:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,836
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Welcome!

I see that you are uncertain. That is ok to feel. This is all new to you. BREATHE. You will be ok.

Any relationship -- monoshipping or polyshipping -- demands communication. Clear articulation of your wants, needs, and limits. Asking your partners where they are at with THEIR wants, needs, and limits. If you can't do it now with one partner, how can you do it with more than one? Nobody is a mind reader.

Could work on growing confident in your communication skills and letting others feel whatever it is they feel, and expect them to communicate back in appropriate ways. You aren't out to be mean or malicious, right?

Emotion is emotion. Some is fun and yummy to feel. Some is yucky to feel. So what? That's just a fact of life. Could make peace with that. People will feel whatever it is -- it's how they handle themselves that matters. You can always choose how you behave.

Quote:
I really just have no idea how to bring this up with him. I think he might come unhinged if I even suggested some play with us and another girl.
I'm bi/poly and *I* would wig out if DH suggested we just go "play with some woman." That would gross me out, frankly. I'm not into casual sex with strangers.

But I wouldn't bat an eye if he told me he was feeling new things and thinking new things and wanted to talk about it with me to help him deal/process/share. If he told me he was bi/poly that would not cause me to freak out.

So think about what you want to ask of him at this stage of your discovery about yourself:

Are you asking him to Open the Marriage? Or Open his Heart to you as you share your vulnerable and your new thoughts/feelings?

Later on if you both decide to Open the Marriage that's another thing -- he might be willing, he might not depending on what kind of open model relationship you are talking about, and how you want to go about doing it, and his own desires. He will have his own preferences for Opening, and that includes staying CLOSED and not Opening at all.

But I would hope that no matter what, he is able to provide an emotionally safe environment for you to come to him to share vulnerable. If you cannot do that with your spouse, who can you do that with?

So could perhaps ask him that -- is he able/willing to provide an emotionally safe environment for you to talk about vulnerable. He can feel whatever he feels about the topic, but please don't act at at you or frighten you with a temper fit.

Could you be willing to ask him that? Then just print this thread and show it to him. How scared you are of talking about it, but how you want to be able to.

Quote:
he's going to completely freak and possibly leave
Hon, if he freaks out and leaves you just because you wanted to TALK about vulnerable things in your mind... really what kind of husband do you have there? You would not be asking him to do anything he doesn't already do with the husband job, right? Spouses TALK to each other. Don't sell him short. Give him the chance to step up to the plate.

Don't work this up in your head in "what iffing" kinds of things. Just focus on what you want. Isn't what you want:
Quote:
But I feel as though I have more love to give and that I could touch others with that and learn and grow with them.
Why not give your spouse more love, and touch him, and learn and grow with him? Even if you never Open to Another, Open YOURSELF MORE TO HIM. Let him into your inner world more and share these thoughts and feelings with him.

Could you be willing to do that?

It is ok to feel scared and unsure. But in times of uncertainty, do you not turn to your spouse for comfort? Isn't the marriage a strong one? If this is not what you have, why not build more trust and more intimacy within it then? Be willing to share yourself mind, body, heart, and soul with your husband, be willing to be vulnerable, be willing to have him love you anyway, and in doing so, build that trust up.

If you were Open, wouldn't you want a strong marriage with solid foundation and communication? Even if you never Open, don't you want a solid marriage with solid foundation and communication for yourself and for him?

Quote:
I want to do it in the most gentle way possible, but feel like no matter which avenue I choose it ends with him leaving me.
Do you want him to know the authentic you or not? As you grow and change over time? He is not a mind reader. If you want him to know, you have to tell. If you do not tell, you and he both are missing an opportunity to forge a deeper relationship with each other.

The first part you can control because you control your OWN behavior. You CAN try to approach it with sensitivity and honesty. The other part is up to him. He controls his behavior. Not you. Again, don't sell him short. Give him the opportunity to step up to the plate.

And if he wusses on you over just TALKING? He's not interested in knowing the authentic you as you grow and change and prefers less than authentic version of you? Better you know it know 4ish years into the marriage than 40 years.

Don't sell YOU short. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.
  • Do you want to live with and be married to someone who doesn't love all of you and is not willing to love all of you?
  • Do you want to be a spouse in a marriage that holds back and doesn't give it her all to the marriage and does not even give him opportunity to love all of you?

Again... he cannot be a mind reader. Tell him what's on your mind. Give you both opportunity to grow towards each other in the sharing of vulnerable.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-05-2013 at 05:49 PM.
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