My favorite mixed message: "I love you, but if I had to chose between you and freedom, I would choose freedom."
That's not a mixed message. She's telling you straight up. She loves you. She does not want to be exclusive.
When I tell her I accept this but I don't want other partners, she says she feels bad because she is taking advantage of me...I tell her I am making the choice, but she should be patient if I struggle.
She does not want to be patient with you when you struggle? Is she willing to provide you with the support and nurture that you need to feel safe with her in mind, body, heart, and soul? Or is she NOT willing to provide for your needs in relationship so you feel safe inside it?
What rights and responsibilities
IS she willing to hold up in this relationship? (those are mine.) What sort of personal standard does she want/have for this romance? A high bar or a low bar? Does it jive with YOUR personal standard?
Is what she IS willing to provide enough for you to want to stay and feel alright staying?
Then I ask for what I think are reasonable requests (that she not do this with someone I know or work with, that she uses protection, etc.) and she gets upset that I am constraining her. I then say that I am not telling her what to do, but what I am willing to take.
Sounds like reasonable requests for ethical, safer sex polyshipping to me. Why does she get upset over reasonable requests? She does not want to be held accountable in any way at all? She expects to have other lovers and you as a lover, but not have to tell you about condoms and other barriers being used,fluid bonding, std screenings results? Or is she finding frank TALKING about those things daunting and that's the discomfort place for her?
Is this her wanting to be FRESH to you or is this her not confident in her personal relationship and communication skills to be able to polyship well? Those are two very different animals there. Could ask her to clarify which animal you have here.
It is YOUR body, heart, mind, and soul. You share it with who YOU want. And how YOU want. You are willing to share yourself with her like THIS, so you can feel mentally safe, emotionally safe, physically safe and spiritually safe in relationship with her. That's how it is here. That's how you roll so you can be healthy and well in ALL your "health buckets."
Does she want to be in right relationship with you or not in a romance? Does she expect to be able to share you willy nilly, even if you feel unsafe in one of your health buckets? How is she willing to share herself with you?
Is it better to share in a friendship rather than a romance?
Just things to think about as you start sorting yourselves out. But do talk, and do sort yourselves out.