Thank-you for the encouragement. I am taking steps to protect myself and I have contacted a lawyer for retainer if things start to get out of control. I am doing my best to focus on my son and myself, which is hard because I'm not used to being selfish.
You are responsible for your well being. It is NOT selfish to decide to put your own oxygen mask on when you have no air. You are not doing anything hurtful to her by seeking out your options and giving her the space to own it.
Ball's in her court. She can choose her next move and inform you what that is.
If she cannot decide and keeps on this way, it is hurtful to your emotional and mental health. You may reach another limit and decide "Alright. Gave you plenty time. Now I choose to leave." It could be safer to love her from a safe distance and out of the line of fire and away from Limbo Land so you can reach out for YOUR next Happiness.
She'll always be the mother of your shared son, and a love of your life. But she does not have to be "the current, active
love" of ALL your life, esp if she's hurting you by her behavior and refusal to talk.
You are willing to talk, she is not. You cannot control her. You cannot talk to a wall. So you have to do what you have to doin order to preserve your long term health and well being. If she's not getting with the program to at least communicate what's going on? She's choosing destructive behavior to the relationship. A relationship cannot exist without communication. There's no RELATING going on.
I'm fortunate to be on good (if not close) terms with my exes and I enjoy hearing about their lives once in a great while. Both were a love of my life. But I'm not married to either, and neither is a "current active love" of my life. And guess what? I am not dead because of it. My life went on. I'm happy in my life. Their lives went on. I hope they are happy in theirs.
You will be ok however it is this ends up. You have been through the wringer and in your process you sound like YOU at least are moving it forward
to a better zone and coming back into better relationship with YOURSELF. Taking care of YOU. You and your son would appreciate a healthy YOU.
As far as staying with her in any capacity while she is exploring poly, I'm not there yet, and I told her it would be 6-12 months before I could forsee being ok with the idea. I think that's outside her timetable despite her saying that she's not even interested in it anymore.
You gave your communication clearly. You have a limit, that's where you are at right now. She can choose to work with you from where you are at with it and take your wants, needs, and limits into consideration. Or choose not to.
Then you get to make YOUR next move. Don't rush to fix it, let her own her own baggage. We are free to choose. We are not free from the consequence of our choices. Let her feel natural consequences. Don't have to be MEAN, but don't have to bend over backwards either. NO. You are not thrilled with her behavior right now. YES, you'd prefer she behave herself in a more realistic/reasonable fashion and try to come to the happy medium compromise with your and negotiate rather than tantrum at you.
That she does not like what she hears is certainly not your fault or issue. It is her issue, and if she wants to be in healthy relationship with you, in RIGHT relationship with you? She could consider what you say. Consider your wants, needs, and limits, respect that, and treat you with kind/loving behavior. Treat your relationship in constructive ways rather than destructive ones so the relationship is nurtured.
Has she had a check up? Since you say the first 11 years with her were good -- could she be suffering from mental illness like mood disorders, bipolar, or depression or anything that would make her recent behavior explainable?
Note I say explainable.
It is still not excuse
and you may not be up for dealing with it even if that is the reason. Everyone has personal limitations.
But you could perhaps feel more like "So THIS is what we have then! That explains it!" rather than enduring this "WTF Ball of Weird Obdurate!?" from her like she just wants her own way all the time.
I am not choosing anything at the moment, I am remaining in place and giving my wife the freedom to do what she will. At the same time, I am removing myself from her presence because I have been hurt too much and I can't take anymore, AT ALL. I've reached my limit.
I am so glad to hear you are at this place and looking after your OWN health and well being. Again, it is NOT selfish to do that!
You have a responsibility to yourself.