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Old 01-05-2013, 02:31 AM
amk amk is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 26

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
You've got one thing dead right - you *do* deserve someone who is madly in love with you. It is possible to maintain a beautiful friendship with someone you have previously been 'in' love with.... it is absolutely possible to have that kind of arrangement in poly. The world is really your oyster now. So many monogamous people are stuck in passionless marriages and decide to plough for the children. You have an opportunity here. You can be free to find someone who feels that passion for you, with or without her. I'd seriously consider that opportunity.
You make a good point that I really came to realize this week. After going through this last year of agonizing about every detail, I really reached a breaking point this week: I no longer care what happens, I just want to be done getting hurt.

To that end, I told my wife earlier this week that I just don't have anything left when it comes to fighting to keep us together. I encouraged her to take whatever time she needs to figure out what she wants and just go do it. I'm no longer waiting around, she can leave me or she can stay, but I told her she needs to make a decision, commit to it and stop wavering.

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
It sounds to me, in very basic form, that she was originally attracted to someone else, or other people, and essentially hoped you would ok it. That point didn't come. Perhaps she resents you for that. It's an easy trap to fall into. You can take even the most sweet, sensitive, wonderful person and be surprised at how child-like they can become when the Id takes over. I am not calling your wife childish. But I am feeling that her behaviour is exhibiting signs of 'kid in candy store'. I love my girlfriend dearly, but when she wants something, boy, does she want it. Her patience runs short, she snaps, she can be cold. It's basically an adult tantrum.
I don't think she knows what she wants yet, but you're right, she wanted carte blanche to figure it out on my heart's dime and when I didn't give it, she got upset! Since she refuses to discuss anything about opening our marriage or read with me the book I purchased, I have reached the point at which I am done trying. I am not giving up, I just don't care anymore.

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
This is going to sound horribly cliched, but do you ever wonder if there has been too much talking? I know that my girlfriend and I can sometimes fall into the trap of talking about our relationship more than living it. When we realise that is happening, we make an effort to go and do something fun together. Sometimes we need reminding of why we are in a relationship; rather than constant reminders of the difficulties we are facing. At a crossroad, we are much more likely to want to walk down the sunny fork than the gloomy one.
Too much talking? I doubt that. I have stifled 90% of my thoughts and feelings because EVERY time I bring them up, she runs away. I have tried to just have fun with her, but she's not the same person she once was. She's cold, unfeeling and moody around me. Love was effortless between us for 11 years, and this past year it was agonizing and difficult to say the least.

I am not choosing anything at the moment, I am remaining in place and giving my wife the freedom to do what she will. At the same time, I am removing myself from her presence because I have been hurt too much and I can't take anymore, AT ALL. I've reached my limit.

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
If your wife is closing down, pushing that idea might close her down further. I'm thinking that you only have two options left - throw yourself into saving your marriage, once and for all; even if it means doing things that are terrifying for you. Or, throw yourself into saving yourself; whether or not the marriage survives it.
For now, self preservation is all I can think about. I tried desperately to save my marriage and it seems like I did more harm than good and at great cost to my own heart. I still love my wife more today than yesterday, but I can't let her "in" unless she's sure she's staying. Today she says she IS, in fact, in love with me... tomorrow, who knows. Her fickle emotion is more than I can bear.

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
You've got to pick yourself up. Pick yourself up. Pick yourself up. Take control of your life. You're completely in charge of it. Start calling a few shots of your own. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't sure they want to be with you. Say that. Let her feel it. She says this stuff because she can. She's said it before and you've stayed. Don't make empty threats - but tell the truth. You're not happy. You want to, at the very least, salvage a friendship, or the future potential of a happy marriage. Sticking around, waiting on her, doing nothing, is not going to achieve that. I have confidence from your posts that you have the strength inside you - you just need to channel it.
Thank-you for the encouragement. I am taking steps to protect myself and I have contacted a lawyer for retainer if things start to get out of control. I am doing my best to focus on my son and myself, which is hard because I'm not used to being selfish.

As far as staying with her in any capacity while she is exploring poly, I'm not there yet, and I told her it would be 6-12 months before I could forsee being ok with the idea. I think that's outside her timetable despite her saying that she's not even interested in it anymore.


Last edited by amk; 01-05-2013 at 02:34 AM.
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