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Old 01-04-2013, 09:57 PM
lolalondon lolalondon is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 30
Default How many nights per week...

Hi, I posted a few times re my swinger (me) / poly (him) relationship and different obstacles we've had. On the whole we are doing really well and are happy together. He's met a lovely girl he gets along with and she was keen to meet me (the first time he's had someone who actually "approves" of me and our relationship). She is a lovely person and the three of us are all fond of each other and there's a lot of mutual respect. I'm happy when I see him happy with her, as is she. I doubt it'd turn into a triad - I don't think she finds me attractive, which is fine by me, and he says he'd find it too confusing - so it would likely only remain a V with him at the centre. So this is all the good stuff... now to the difficulties:

He knew right from the start that I can't really cope with him spending more than one night per week with another woman. It's because sharing a bed is a really big deal for me, as is cuddling etc., more than sex. I'm not poly and this is already a massive shift. In the past I couldn't cope with him having a regular partner he sees weekly so he had some FWB "on rotation", but with her I've been much more relaxed because she is so lovely and respectful. So they've been seeing each other once a week after they finish training together. This has also shifted to a weekend night when she's asked (if her friends have a party) or when I offered, and that's been difficult at points but I managed.

Last night my boyfriend told me that she gets sad about not seeing him more often, that he would like to see her more often, and that he would like to see her on nights we don't see each other (we don't live together and usually spend 4 nights per week together). I also know he'd like more freedom to see her on weekend nights, which is fair enough. He also said he really appreciates the efforts I have been making to accommodate this (I previously resisted a poly scenario, although I think her coming along and being right for us made a lot of difference). But he then said that he doesn't know how long they can wait for me to be comfortable with seeing each other more often; I felt things were moving very fast - they've only been seeing each other for 2 months - but he feels it's been slow in terms of lifting "restrictions". He thinks it'll start to damage their relationship if it doesn't increase "within weeks rather than months" but I'm just not comfortable with them spending 2 nights a week together - or more. He thinks it's disrespectful towards a secondary to just "give them scraps", which is not how I see this at all, especially since they are in daily contact and it was her choice to enter this arrangement. She doesn't have another relationship and seems to mainly rely on him for emotional support. Just to clarify - she isn't in any way needy and doesn't have a manipulative bone in her body, but it's clear that this is a primary relationship for her. I don't want to damage their relationship but I also don't want to be miserable... and she is a keeper because she's a special person, so as a couple we both want her in our lives.

Another issue is that he seems to think he'd be fine taking on two women and be their primary (and only emotionally involved person at this stage) but I have reservations; he is already tired often since he has a physical job, and while we have a fair amount of sex it's been hard for him to find the space and time to spend time on each other and do kink, etc. He's often exhausted, and gets exhausted when things get overly emotional or complicated. I guess I'm concerned that if they get deeply involved there won't be enough of him to go around when my needs already go unmet regularly due to his exhaustion. It's easier to deal with it when I don't have to share...

Should I just bite the bullet and compromise? Should I explain that they'll have to make do for now as things are already moving so fast for me? Am I being controlling? Why is it that he'll push me into a corner so that she "doesn't get sad" knowing it'll make me sad? Is this normal for NRE? And finally, what are people's arrangements here for nights per week, etc? Would love to hear... and thanks
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