"Will your husband be willing to read the books you are reading? You may have passed him up already in terms of what's possible."
I think he would probably be willing to read these books and discuss them, but as I said, I haven't come out to anyone about being bi or polycurious (I suppose this term fits best). I'm really scared that when I start talking to him about this he's going to completely freak and possibly leave. I'm sure that the scenarios in my brain are probably worse than what will actually happen, but I'm sososo scared of what may happen. I don't know how to start any of these conversations or how to ask him to read these books without causing issue.
What do you mean I may have passed him up in terms of what's possible?
As far as the church thing goes, I've know for a long time that I will never ever go back to any kind of religion. I'm very happy about this decision and now it's just a matter of shaking all the progamming and bullshit from my head.
My biggest fear is that I bring up the things that have been going on in my head (telling him that I'm bisexual) and ask him to read, learn, and talk with me and he freaks out and leaves. I love him more than I have words for, but I don't think monogamy is what is going to bring me the most happiness.
I have always claimed to be straight but I feel I have always been bisexual, it was just something I wouldn't recognize and own up to due to my upbringing and the programming in my head. I also think polyamory may have always been something that my heart and mind are wired for. So now that we're getting closer to 4 years of marriage, I'm feeling like complete scum for not having figured this out before we tied the knot. I feel like these things should have been something I dealt with before we got married, but they were no where on my radar at the time.
All that being said, I just don't know how to bring it up with him.....I want to do it in the most gentle way possible, but feel like no matter which avenue I choose it ends with him leaving me.