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Old 01-04-2013, 07:08 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,457

It is the specificity that bothers her. If I say, "can you get that email in to me in the next week," she feels imposed upon. This is not only with the whole romance-thing...that is just a general tendency of hers.
She could feel whatever she feels and you could let her have the time space to feel it in.

If this is a general tendency of hers and you know it already? It comes back to you on accepting.
  • You could ACCEPT that you won't get responsiveness here in a romantic thing with her. And you learn to be ok with that and be prepared to deal in this sort of thing often then in polyship.
  • Or you could ACCEPT that you are not cool with that, and let the desire to have a romantic thing with her GO.

Talking about relationship structures with her seems premature if she's not even sure she wants to be in romantic relationship with you. Don't make her be your poly everything. Crush person, info person, etc. It could be overwhelming.

This part I do not understand:

I don't fear a no, I just don't want to be the one that puts it in the ground.
How are you the one to put it in the ground?

People are compatible romantic partners or they not compatible romantic partners.

Not anyone's fault if their preferences and willingness-es do not happen to line up. That's why it is called DATING. The search for the compatible people. If it becomes not a runner for you, you say so. If it becomes not a runner for her, she says so. Don't overthink it.

If it turns out not to be a runner, it doesn't much matter which one acknowledges that it isn't. It just isn't. People can feel whatever it is they feel about that but it doesn't change the fact that it is not a runner.

This will be difficult, as I see her every day and she is my closest friend. I had asked about her preferences for how I took the space I needed to do that, when I told her I was all crushy, and she asked me not to do it yet, until she could think about if she felt the same. Can do this, and will if she tells me no. Not sure I can do it if I have "but what if" hanging over my head.
That baffles me a bit too. You don't need her permission to tend to your own needs if this turns out to not be a runner for whatever reason regardless of who acknowledges it first. Yes, it won't be fun to feel like "party time whee!" But you can handle it and you will be ok. I have faith in you. You can get through this. Don't what if it up in your head. Try to keep it real and think facts:

"She's crafting a response, I will get it, I will digest it and then I will make the next choice for myself."

She made an agreement with you to keep you updated --let's hope she follows through.

"Cut off BY her communication style." Radio silence and time in her head make me nuts.
Ah. Sorry about that. I missed the "BY" in there.

It makes me nuts too. That's why it's a point in my playbook. I want the right to responsiveness in romantic relationships. Don't plan to give me that right? Don't date me then. Keep it as casual friends.

She's writing a response to you right? Could wait til her written response, digest. Then if the letter is basically still more fence sitting or soft no-ing, could decide to cut it loose in favor of yourself -- and your long term well being.

You will be ok however it turns out. Remember to BREATHE.

I know this isn't fun to feel. Just do your best and remember to look out for you.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-04-2013 at 07:22 PM.
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