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Old 01-04-2013, 06:06 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 61

Thank you so much for this perspective. It is good to see that, in some cases I'm doing the right thing, and where I need to do better.

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
I don't know whether your CG is mostly straight, or not, but either way, I can relate to your feelings and the heady yet frustrating effects of a not-quite-requited crush.
She is, in practice, but not in belief (the best way I can explain it).

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
She probably doesn't want to say a flat-out no. She wants to keep her options open. But, it sounds like she has some avoidance going on, too. You must listen to her signals. Yes, she's told you not to completely put a stop to it. But she also didn't contact you for a week after being away. That tells you something, right there. It means that she doesn't know what she wants!
I think this is mostly frustrating because structure in our long friendship hasn't set of her need to recoil, but this seems to be triggering all kinds of new responses...even when it isn't *about* the crushy stuff.

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
The thing that strikes me is that you might find things easier if you understand one thing - structure most likely freaks CG out as much as not having any freaks you out. You feel panicky and lost and stuck, right? I bet that she's feeling the same way.
This is a good way to look at it. Do you think a "no structure when it comes to the romance/ish stuff but for work and our just hanging out we could schedule some things so I know when I'll be seeing you?" would be a compromise that would work?

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
I would stop asking her if you can kiss her. Things like that *are* going to make you feel like a school child who has a crush on their teacher. Let her come to you. Let her chase you a bit. If she's like me, she'll want to do some of the chasing. If she's not like me, you're not losing anything by stopping because it looks like nothing else is going to happen right now anyway. All she's done so far is respond to your questions. Let her have space, let her take control, if she wants to do something.
That is what I have done. She has said that she's alright with asking general questions (about poly, about how her relationships are structured, etc) and with me talking to primary BF. She also offered to attend one or two of the 6 sessions of the 6 week poly workshop I signed up for. That is more than enough for me on the "curshy" end of things, for now.

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
If it were me, I'd take it down to a lighthearted place. I would not make any more moves. She knows you're interested. It's very obvious that this is very clear to her. If you stop, she won't forget that you are interested. Seriously, if it were me, I would focus on being friends and enjoy your crush - be thankful that she is in your life and enjoy the butterflies. Crushes don't have to be torturous. Emotion is good. I genuinely have a gut feeling that the only way you can move things forward is by backing off.
Right. And, if the romance thing ever becomes truly torturous, I can call and end to it. I know that, and so does she. It's just...I'm feeling a little surprised that this seems to have had more of a confusing impact on my friendship with the poly person than on my marriage to to monogamous one.
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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