View Single Post
Old 01-04-2013, 04:47 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467


I thought I would chime in, if that's ok, as I find this thread very interesting.

You know, I feel that I've been on both sides of the coin. My preferred type of woman is older and mostly heterosexual. I just can't get enough of them. Hahaha. This means that I have experienced many 'what ifs', many intense crushes, many day dreams, many 'GOD why won't they just tell me how they feel?!", many weeks and weeks of analysing every little touch or glance they throw my way. I don't know whether your CG is mostly straight, or not, but either way, I can relate to your feelings and the heady yet frustrating effects of a not-quite-requited crush.

On the other hand, I can very much relate to CG.

My girlfriend teases me about having 'flitting feet'. I hate... hate... hate... being tied down. I can't stand being put on a schedule. I can't stand feeling that someone is (essentially) nagging me to give them something. As soon as I feel pressure from someone, my heart and mind goes into an immediate recoil. I often wish it didn't - I'd love to maintain an attraction towards someone. But, it just doesn't seem to work like that for me. I'm most attracted to people who let me chase. Those who do not say "when can we next talk?", but instead say "I loved this chat we had."

My girlfriend is even worse than I am. This anecdote might help you. My GF is currently dating her version of the Holy Grail of secondaries. She has had her most serious crush yet on him, for the past year. They finally got it together in November. Yet, despite the fact that she has wanted this particular guy so much, for so long, she's starting to recoil, because he wants structure. She is even more flexible and fluid than I am. She's finally agreed to talk to him 2-3 times per week online or on the phone; but doing that is severely putting her off.

My thoughts are that CG might be like my girlfriend and I. If you're forcing structure on her, no matter how small, she's likely to be recoiling big time. She probably doesn't want to say a flat-out no. She wants to keep her options open. But, it sounds like she has some avoidance going on, too. You must listen to her signals. Yes, she's told you not to completely put a stop to it. But she also didn't contact you for a week after being away. That tells you something, right there. It means that she doesn't know what she wants!

The thing that strikes me is that you might find things easier if you understand one thing - structure most likely freaks CG out as much as not having any freaks you out. You feel panicky and lost and stuck, right? I bet that she's feeling the same way.

Too often, we think we are compromising, but what we are actually trying to do is change someone. You're saying that you don't need a time frame, as such; you just need an answer either way. I definitely can't blame you for that. But if she's just not capable of that, it means you're incompatible. You are only capable of being so fluid - she is only capable of being so coherent, communicative, or structured.

It sounds to me, from the outside, that she is attracted to you, but that's all she knows. It sounds like she doesn't want anything else, just now. It sounds like she also needs space.

Here is what I would do, if I were you.

I would stop asking her if you can kiss her. Things like that *are* going to make you feel like a school child who has a crush on their teacher. Let her come to you. Let her chase you a bit. If she's like me, she'll want to do some of the chasing. If she's not like me, you're not losing anything by stopping because it looks like nothing else is going to happen right now anyway. All she's done so far is respond to your questions. Let her have space, let her take control, if she wants to do something.

If it were me, I'd take it down to a lighthearted place. I would not make any more moves. She knows you're interested. It's very obvious that this is very clear to her. If you stop, she won't forget that you are interested. Seriously, if it were me, I would focus on being friends and enjoy your crush - be thankful that she is in your life and enjoy the butterflies. Crushes don't have to be torturous. Emotion is good. I genuinely have a gut feeling that the only way you can move things forward is by backing off.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
Reply With Quote