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Old 01-04-2013, 03:44 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Whew. Alright.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I mean all this kindly -- I do see that you are suffering and this is very hard and frustrating for you.
I believe you. You are generally kind, if straight forwards. I appreciate that.

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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
But could accept that you can only change your own behaviors and see if that helps or not. SPECIFY. Then whatever the answer is ACCEPT IT.
It is the specificity that bothers her. If I say, "can you get that email in to me in the next week," she feels imposed upon. This is not only with the whole romance-thing...that is just a general tendency of hers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You ARE upset that it takes her "a long time" to process.[/COLOR] You are feeling stressy, anxious, and frustrated.

(I do not know what "a long time" is. That is not specific. A week? A month? A year?)
I am upset that she does not respond to specific inquiries, not that this may or may not be DOA. I freaked out that she had been gone on vacation, then home for nearly a week (with both work plans and other deadlines looming) and didn't contact me (and refused to pin down when I could contact her) until the day that registration and paperwork were due. When I pressed she felt she'd be hurting my feelings. When I told her all I needed was to know when we could get our joint work in, she said she felt pushed to make decisions (which weren't even about the romance, but about our totally fun and functional friend and working relationship). Finally, I dropped her presents off at her house, told her roommate I needed them out from under my tree so I could take down my tree (something we had planned on doing together but that I need to do before she gets back from her newest vacation) and left. Later, I texted her BF and asked if I could come pick up some of my stuff that I needed, and she and I ended up going out for drinks to discuss how she communicates vs how I do. It's *really* more about the communication than about the romance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Right now I'm not perceiving her as flighty or not communicative. She's been answering you -- you just don't seem to like what you hear.
As long as what I hear is "I don't know, I'll get back to you at an unspecified time that may have nothing to do with functional deadlines"...then all I want is straightforward truth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
She saw you upset and is trying to deliver now so you will get some sort of letter/email thing soon. I perceive her as not feeling as "urgent" about it as you until she saw you upset. She still may not feel urgent about it, but she's willing to meet your need to be free of upset. Hence stepping it up on the letter. She doesn't sound unkind.
She isn't unkind. Just unaware that some people process in a linear fashion and need to plan their lives. She admits to as much.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
But why do you have to freak out in the first place? Do YOU communicate your urgency to her? Your need to be free of anxiety/stressy? And your desire to have that need met by her being willing to give you a check in so you are "in the loop" in her processing? You don't get to find out if she's willing until you ASK HER.
Yes, I have asked for that. She doesn't seem to get how, exactly, to do a check-in, and I tend to freak out when our school reg deadlines, that require payment done online in another state (rife with possibilities for problems) looms and she hasn't given it a second thought...despite it being something that means a lot to her, professionally and I, professionally and personally. She lives by the tyranny of the urgent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
That means YOU are not looking out for your own need to be free of freak outs/stress/anxiety.
I have. It just doesn't seem to be in a way that allows her to feel un-cornered. That's what I am trying to suss out here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
When you sent her the thing, did you include a line of " I know things take time to digest. But could you please at least let me know you got it? Then I can feel less anxious about it because at least I know you got it. Thanks."
This is what we've agreed upon from now on, as well as a "when you start crafting your response, can you let me know that as well? It will allow me to feel like the process is moving, even if I cannot see the wheels."

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You seem like you are leaving it up to her to interpret a lot then -- to divine from the sky.
Perhaps. I've asked these things aloud, but I think I need to attach them to her emails, because she won't remember.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So could consider changing how you communicate to her about your wants, needs and limits to see if they are better met -- your WANT to be in the loop to alleviate your NEED to be free of anxiety. And please don't leave you hanging forever, you function better with a time limit - you suggest a week. She can tweak and suggest 10 days. You could come to compromise on that.
I'm generally avoiding "when" questions. As long as she can tell me that she's working on it, I'm fine, truly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
YOU are leading her to believe "whenever you get there is ok" is ok.

If it really isn't for you, SAY SO. Then she's not surprised when you are upset from waiting on response because YOU are not giving her full information. When you feel hurt and rejected it is because what? She doesn't mind reader you? That's not a realistic expectation of a partner.
I don't care if the response takes 3 weeks. I do care if she never tells me she's even thought of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
That is separate from feeling disappointed that she may not return your crush feelings. If this is so, that cannot be helped. Cannot force someone to crush back.
Aware.

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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Could fear of it being a "soft no" in the end be stopping you from giving clear communication to her? All of it?
I've only ever expected a no, GalaGirl. She knows that. I don't fear a no, I just don't want to be the one that puts it in the ground.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Move on to being friends only and stop romantic behaviors toward her like kissing and cuddles. Stop thinking about her like a crush. Keep it in the friend zone, to allow it to return to friend zone in feeling over time. Feelings ensue after behavior/thoughts. So change the behaves and the thoughts to allow the feelings to change anew and catch up to the new reality.
This will be difficult, as I see her every day and she is my closest friend. I had asked about her preferences for how I took the space I needed to do that, when I told her I was all crushy, and she asked me not to do it yet, until she could think about if she felt the same. Can do this, and will if she tells me no. Not sure I can do it if I have "but what if" hanging over my head.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I do not know what “cut off her communication style means.” Could elaborate.
"Cut off BY her communication style." Radio silence and time in her head make me nuts.
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29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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