So here goes my 2nd attempt at writing this. The forum ate my last response after working on it for an hour. It was time well spent and I am already accomplishing what I set out to do.
Sally & my husband broke my one rule of not having penetrative sex. She is pre-op so it was anal. Her partner, Amanda, had quite a few other rules such as not spending the night with us, no oral sex, and wanting to know what was going on. Sally also had her own set of rules to protect herself from the situation. Again, she said she could only be in the relationship if our marriage was copacetic.
I have plenty of regret for not being crystal clear with her from day one about what happened with my best friend. She knew that whatever happened almost caused irreparable damage to our marriage. The problem is that I have never felt like asking her to leave so we could repair our marriage would help. It wasnít until I found out that they slept together that I was finally able to ask for no contact until the end of January. Little good it did at that point.
I know that she was knew where my boundary was because the four of us had brunch to discuss it. She told me several times that she could never smoke pot with him because she would not be able to control herself. Iím really starting to think she has no self control regardless. The crappy part of my weekend was that I found out that they slept together more than once over a 2 week period. It kind of makes me want to kick her in the face for saying, ďWe talked about doing it again but it made me sick to my stomach to think of the trust Iíve broken with you.Ē Iím assuming it was twice. I am not comfortable asking for details from my husband, because he carries so much guilt already over what has happened this year.
I had my one rule, and once that was broken I asked for him to cut off contact with her completely to give us some time to focus on just our relationship. He did this and deactivated his Facebook account too. He let her know on Sunday morning and by that evening she was texting him again. He brought her messages to me, and I told him it was okay. But then, she started texting him again by the Friday after. She wanted to hear his voice. They talked that afternoon. So once we finally asked her to step out for about two months, she could not do that to give us the space we needed to work on our marriage.
What happened after that was the most gut wrenching fear I have ever felt. I came home from work to find my husband gone. He must have just left, because his computer was still pulled up to a website on how to overdose on hydrocodone. He left his keys, phone, wallet, so I had no way to contact him. I called his mother and Sally. I had no idea what to do. They both came and helped me look for him, and thankfully we found him before he took anything or disappeared into the city.
As for the boundaries and rules set by Amanda, the only reason I know that all the promises and boundaries were broken are because of a long hashing out session we had the Sunday before Christmas. Amanda ask Sally if any of her boundaries had been respected and promises kept, and the answer from Sally was no.
Until that day, I had no idea that I had been involved with breaking one of Amandaís boundaries for Sally with me. Sally and my husband had already broken the oral sex rule, I did not think it was still a boundary. I think everyone involved should be aware of the boundaries. If I had known that oral sex with me was not okay with Amanda then I would have respected that boundary. I am not the kind of person to frivolously break rules and trust. Communication anyone?
In trying to move forward, Iím kind of stuck on the why they slept together. Easy answer, they were both horny and wanted it. There is something in me that keeps wanting to believe that Sally pushed it with a more malicious intent. When someone *repeatedly* tells you that they are not trying to destroy your marriage, it starts to seem like quite the opposite is true.
I had written something different in my last attempt at a response, and it ultimately lead me to talk to both my husband and Sally about it. Unfortunately, Iím less clear as to whether my being involved was actually something Amanda asked for. Regardless of the reason why I was involved initially, my life would have been much easier if I didnít have to be involved. Iím not going to jump on the, ďIím poly too, because you areĒ train because I know that I donít have time to devote to a second romantic relationship. I did tell both Sally and my husband this. I think sometimes people block out what they donít want to hear.
I know that I projected most of my anger and resentment onto Sally. However, I and most upset with myself for letting it happen. I regret not being clear that my husband and I needed to work out what cause the situation with my best friend. I know what I did to cause that, and we were and have been working on that.
The plan seems to be to work on our relationship and the relationship between the four of us. Better communication seems to be the main goal. For my husband and I, weíre working on making sure we set aside time for each other. The setting aside time is mostly my responsibility since Iím the one with work and class.
I had a shorter talk with Sally and Josh this past Friday, and I finally said that I would really much prefer to just work on my marriage. Sallyís response was that I donít get that unless my husband asks for it too. Iím still not quite sure how to take that.
I appreciate the tough love. Iím new to all of this, and I have never given poly much thought as part of my life until now.