Originally Posted by SNeacail
And likely somethings that aren't related. OK, were out of bullets, lets pull out the hand grenades, then the homemade bombs, when all else fails reach for rocks...
SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE HERE
The first and foremost thing I would address is the need for him stay on topic during an argument. What help will he accept from you (what can you do to get him back on target without making things worse)? He can pause and write down, anything that surfaces that's NOT immediately related to bring up later. Most of the time, the stuff that surfaces, is just a way of playing dirty and is not really an issue, until it seems useful as ammunition. Believe it or not, staying on topic will help diffuse some of the anger that builds up as well.
No, it's always related, he doesn't do this. There is always a connection to the problem. It's not the things he says, it's the way he does it. Both of us are right or wrong when it comes to our point of view that is discussed, but I have a hard time dealing with the way he looks, the way he behaves, the atmosphere that is there, when he is outraged. He never insulted me or used unfair or really foul language. He is just harsh, cold and totally distant. (Maybe the lashing out part was a poor choice for a description, I didn't mean words, I mean looks, gestures and such. Words as well, but not foul language. It's complicated *scratches head*)
Writing things down would help me, we had one or two quarrels like that over the years and I didn't have the problem because we weren't face to face back then. Fighting with a computer screen is no problem for me. It's the feeling of complete disconnection that is hard on me when I look into his eyes. But, well, writing things down wouldn't do him any good ^.^
We talked shortly about the topic yesterday evening and agreed that we will try to separate in the next given moment, when such a confrontation should arise and we notice that we aren't getting anywhere by further talking about it. He admitted that me turning my back on him in the given situation would be another trigger for his wrath, but he doesn't mind to let off his steam alone afterwards. I guess I will see how a little walk could affect the situation and if it will do us any good.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.