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Old 01-03-2013, 08:29 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I didn't mean to imply that YOU were passive aggressive. Just that after reading up on different behavior styles, I finally had a name to put with my husband.
Ah, sorry, got that mixed up as it seems.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I have absolutely NO experience in how to deal with passive aggressive personalities and he has no frame of reference for how I react. I am now learning how to deal with his personality type and am OK with letting certain things slide without taking offense or personalizing it.
I am experienced with passive aggressiveness for sure. That's Sward's way. Something equally unnerving and nonconstructive most of the time, but I am just used to it, I guess. Something that shows me, how fresh the relationship between Lin and me still is, as I need to make up my mind about so many things concerning him and me. Everything's mostly sorted out with Sward after all those years ^.^ (And Lin is having a hard time with this trait of Sward right now. It isn't something he is used to as well.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
In the same light, I have been able to modify how I deal with my explosive tendencies, it takes practice and thought, but it can be done. Recognizing that I'm in that place is a big step. For years, I did think that it was all my fault and that if I could just pretend to be calmer and ignore the feelings it would improve things. It didn't!
Yup, that's what I thought. He needs to get those things out and it wouldn't do him any good to pretend they or the need to voice them aren't there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
You know, you asked Lin if he felt wounded by anything you said... maybe it wasn't something you said, but the situation which pained him and triggered that response?
Wounded was meant in the context of communication style. He lashes out when he gets frustrated, attacks personally and strays from the main topic we are having a problem with. That's why I asked him, if he feel I did the same and he had to realize that I never did something like that. I am factual and mostly impersonal as far as a personal matter/trigger can be. He is outraged and sweeps across every thinkable field remotely connected to the topic at hand that comes to mind.

I know what triggered the response: pride vs dogmatism. There is quite a complex, underlying structure beside those main problematic traits but that's what it comes down to in the end. The difference is, that as soon as we reach the place of frustration (feeling misunderstood, unnerved and just feed up with everything) Lin needs to voice his frustration and afterwards forgets about it, while I would just retreat, cool off by myself, revisit the real problem and want to start talking about it again, to solve it. For Lin, it is solved as soon as he found that there isn't a solution other than telling the other party that he isn't happy with this or that. For me, those personal attacks stay and leave a bad taste in my mouth, even when the other stuff is cleared up. Both of us were right in retrospection, it wasn't something solvable (at least the underlying pattern isn't) and the main problem was solved through other means. I am searching for a way to deal with the bad aftertaste of the fallout.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Glad you're learning more about each other's communication styles I love the way you three seem to talk things out
I like that as well, even though Lin is more or less exhausted because of it. As he is more used to little explosions and no further talk, my need to dig at things again isn't something he likes. But yes, we can talk about nearly everything. It just needs to be in smaller doses from time to time

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Sometimes I don't feel broken by anything because I see it for what it is (an extreme reaction, poorly phrased, whatever) but if I have been hurt by something he said, I bring it up in my response. "When you said that, it hurt me..." etc. He usually apologises and clarifies his words, and we end up discussing the issue itself in a relatively calm, cuddly way. Maybe a few more flares up of emotions but nothing that morphs the words we use into fire-breathing dragons
This will be the way we need to go. I am curious how it goes for us, because for me apologizing doesn't really work, at least it didn't last time. Yes, I see that he is sorry, yes, I know he didn't mean it that way theoretically. (In my head: ) The fact that he was able to say it means that there is a part of him that thinks that way about me. Right now, I am having a hard time not feeling hurt but words coming from extreme reactions, that are poorly phrased or meant in a slightly different manner I need to work on that. And I need to work on letting go this will keep me occupied for quite some time, I suppose.
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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