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Old 01-03-2013, 02:55 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,862

Originally Posted by Renee View Post

What I hope to gain by using this forum:
... I don't know anyone with any sort of similar situation. I sometimes feel like the ring leader of this circus, as both David and Allan probably would not have sought out this type of situation without my influence. I have no major communication problems with my husband or my boyfriend, but I sometimes wish I had access to a more external, unbiased dialogue. I occaisonally feel isolated by the problems and joys that come with this territory- something I hope to remedy here. I also worry about the longevity of my relationships ("this can't possibly work out in the long run, can it? Am I just hurting Allan? Is this fair to David?" Etc.) and hope to gain some encouragement here.

If you made it down this far, I thank you for your time!
This resonates with some of the reasons that I joined this forum (a year or so ago now, I think). Once I accepted that what Dude and I were developing was "real" (i.e. significant, not just a sexual connection) I panicked. If this continued into a "full-fledged" relationship, what were the implications for my relationship with my husband? Was I somehow "preventing" Dude from pursuing a "real girl" for himself? Was I just being greedy?

I have found this forum valuable, and I hope that you do as well. It sometimes reminds me that my boys are autonomous adults that actively CHOOSE to be with me in this way. I am not forcing choices on anyone. If Dude chooses to not pursue any other "primary-type" relationships, that is not "my fault", it is "his choice". I have NEVER implied that I would leave MrS for him, if he chooses to be in a relationship with me, then he HAS to know that he is choosing to be in a relationship with someone who is also in a relationship with someone else.

I can't speak to the longevity factor with any certainty. The three of us have been living together as "chosen family" for close to two years. I can see us living this way indefinitely (? for the rest of our lives ?). Yes, things will change - that is a given. Will the changes in each of us, personally, continue to mesh? That remains to be seen. Which is true, also, in the "forever" dyads that much of society strives to maintain. Is it more unlikely with three than with two? I have to think it is (statistically speaking). Is it impossible? I have to believe that it isn't. (Rare? Sure. Impossible? No. Worth the effort? Only the individuals involved can answer.)

You are not alone.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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