Originally Posted by Tonberry
I am mostly following, although it is very alien to me because I have very different feelings on the issue, but I am a bit confused by the part about morals.
Now, I understand that you are religious, if I understood you right, and that you think marriage is sacred (you're against divorce, you wouldn't want a child with a married man). But obviously you don't believe that relationships outside of marriage are immoral, since you are in one, and condoning a second one that is just starting.
So why is the idea of children different? Especially since it's only the biological aspect, if she had a child from anyone else you would be fine with the three of you raising it as your own, it seems.
Could it be that you would feel excluded, as a child can only have two biological parents, but that if it's not your husband's either, then you're not the odd one out?
I would definitely appreciate more insight on the moral aspect of it, especially why relationships are fine but not children, and why adoptive children outside of marriage would be fine, but not biological.
Excuse me in advance, but I just flew close to 10k miles, so I'm a wee bit scatter brained. I'm not done, yet. Sitting in the airport now.
Most people have different beliefs than mine. I was raised from what feels like birth that children outside of a marriage? That's just a hell no on every single front. I can even remember religion classes from my schooling and the topic arising. It's something I've always been strongly against. If I was mono, it would apply. I'm poly (hate labels), and it still applies. My morals havent changed since the day we met. It's the only monogamous thought in my brain, but it's also the one that impacts people outside of me more than any other one could.
As weird as this may sound, I try to limit my religious beliefs from interferring in my love life. I've never believed that God gives you just one soulmate in this lifetime. I have more than one soulmate. I have two that I'm romantically involved with and many that are non-romantic. (I view my best friends like non-romantic soulmates.) If having one for eternity was true, how could we explain people finding another after the untimely demise of the person they knew was their soulmate? You can't control who you fall for. That's what happened with me. I wasn't looking for love when I met her. It just happened. I could have chosen one or the other, but that option never felt right. That's how I can live with outside relationships. To this day, I still weather internal battles with my religious beliefs, my morals, and my lifestyle. This situation fits the tab of an internal battle of morality.
Crazy part? I can't ever see myself being involved more than 1-2 people. Sometimes two feels like too many, and I have to take a minute to breathe and remember that, "If they weren't meant to be in life, God wouldn't have placed them in my life." After all these years, there are still days where I feel squeamish about being intimate with more than one person. During those times, we establish intimacy without the physical side. Those are the days where my religious beliefs work overtime against me.
My marriage is definitely sacred. Children and the prospect of more are within that realm of sacredness. It is just my belief that children should only be born within a marriage. I can't tell anyone else what to feel, how they should live, or even force my beliefs on them. That's just what I live by. Thus, why I wouldn't be able to have a child with a married man. Frankly, I couldn't even be involved with another man. I don't judge anyone, but that's simply not my cup of tisane. If you do it, there's nothing wrong with it. It's not for me.
I wouldn't feel left out because I would intentionally cut myself out of their lives and have zero involvement with either. I likely wouldn't accept an adoptive child either. He would still be responsible for him/her, their emotional needs, financial needs, and doing everything a father should do. He's a stand-up kind of man. A father is not dictated just by paternity. The actions that the person does give someone the right to be more than a sperm donor. That in itself is why I don't foresee a solution involving any children outside of our marriage. Biological or adopted.
I don't think prayer is the answer. All religious roads have lead me to the same spot. Wheeling and dealing with my beliefs? Mentally, I've tried it. "Technically, if she has a child, she's doing as the bible says and is being fruitful by multiplying." Then, I hear our premarital counselor/officiating priest's prayer in my head saying, "Let this union--between this man and this woman--be fruitful. Next thing I know, I'm back at one. I'm at the point where I want to pull my hair out.
I'm hoping for a breakthrough, while I'm alone with no spouses, children, no dogs, domestic duties, and actually have a chance to process my thoughts and feelings. That's step #1.