There a new year has arrived and I am uneasy as always when there is some kind of real or just felt change. I just don't like it *sigh* Unsatisfied with whatever there is in the back of my mind. Maybe I haven't got enough to do and to occupy myself with, which will change soon hopefully. I am missing something without knowing what; I am restless.
I have spoken with Lin about the previous topic, read the post out aloud (translated, of course) even. It wasn't the best idea, as it seemed. He felt guilty of having a trait to him that almost made me fear the next controversy between us. I guess this was the best we could do, we talked about how different we just are and how different our upbringing had been, how our family and surrounding have moulded our ways of handling stress, finding solutions for problems at hand or voicing our anger and frustration.
He told me a little anecdote about a verbal duel him and his father were having once. In the end they stood nose to nose screaming at each other without anyone giving way. I couldn't even imagine a situation when I would find myself in this position with anyone. In retrospect I asked him if he felt that I had 'wounded' him in our quarrel with any word or claim I made. After some pondering he said no, I didn't. That would be the main difference, I guess. I cannot hate or hurt when I love, it seems, even when I am frustrated and furious. Maybe I am too logical, maybe to cool headed, maybe not emotional enough. I don't know.
We will see how this develops. The best outcome would be that we may keep everything in mind when something like a quarrel will happen again. Maybe it is just a question of 'getting used' to it on both sides.
New Year's Eve was quiet. A bit boring even, but none of us had the wish to attend some greater gathering or party. Therefore we sat with whine, cheese, grapes and bread and quietly welcomed the new year. As I left our Christmas, the only interesting thing that happened, was around the visit of my 'in Laws', who came for coffee and cake and talked lively with Lin as well, when they were there. Nothing I will read too much into, but it was nice to notice how well they got along. Not knowing anything about the nature of our relationship(s), of course, but maybe I will be lucky to witness this later on as well with everything on the table.
Lin and I will visit his father's 60. birthday in two weeks. I am looking forward to this, because his whole family will be present and I only know his parents, siblings and grandmother so far. We won't talk about Sward, as far as I was informed, because his sisters are weary that this may cause some problems for them along the relatives and who else may hear of it. No problem for me, they have every right to have their surrounding undisturbed. I will hardly see those people again any time soon, at all. But I love family gatherings and especially after the last quarrel-topic Lin and I discussed, I am curious how the atmosphere will be and if I find it so different from the vibe I get around mine or Sward's family.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.