I really need some help :(
As my first post on this forum, I'd like to say hello! Also, I hope that I'm posting this in the correct place.
Alright, so...I'm a male, and I'm in a relationship with another male. This wasn't very easy for me, as it was my first one with a guy; I'm bisexual and still in the closet to most, and he is also bisexual but out to most. We've definitely been seeing each other long enough and know each other well enough to say that we love each other. Pretty deeply, I might add.
Now that the formalities are out of the way...
I had actually never heard of polyamory before I'd met him. And to be honest, I'm not sure if he really is polyamorous; it seems almost more like a curiosity for what other people are like (sexually or not), rather than a longing for needs that aren't being met. Either way, its not a craving for another person's love that he seems to want, its just a craving for their skin.
Now, we've had very long discussions about this already. I am VERY hard-wired for monogamy, and I don't believe that I will ever change that. No matter what happens to my partner, I can't imagine being with someone other than them while still being with them. After our long conversations, however, it seems that he tends to:
a) beat himself up, and say "See, aren't I way too difficult to deal with?"
b) agree to try his hardest to stick with being monogamous, despite his apparent distaste. I can tell that he's just trying to change to make me happy.
I'm very prone to compromise when it comes to most things, but I simply CANNOT find it in myself to just be OK with his polyamory/polygamy. But, neither can I find it in myself to be selfish and tell him to change, when I'm being a complete hypocrite and not budging in my ways.
I guess my question is: what should I do? I could never bring myself to leave, because I'm far too in love. But neither can I just stay and watch him go out and have sex with someone else.
I know that it's partly due to insecurity on my end; I really just don't want my role to be filled. Sexually, anyway. It's just that...I've never dealt with anything like this before, and I'm very conflicted. If anyone can help, please do.