Originally Posted by nycindie
Hmm. Just wondering - what if she became involved with another man in addition to your husband, got pregnant, wasn't sure who the father was, and decided to have the child? Would you insist on knowing the paternity? Could you live with the uncertainty of not knowing? If it turned out the other guy was the father, would you be okay and accepting, maybe even play auntie, but if it was your husband's, would you really shun the child?
I am just curious. Anyway, I believe you mentioned that she's been thinking about the possibility - but has she clearly stated what she wants?
Interesting question and scenario. I would have to know the paternity. If I didn't, in the back of my mind, I would always wonder. I know myself too well, and I'd be tempted to have the child secretly tested. I'm not into the sneaky, going behind someone's back type of action, but every time I'd look at the child, questions would be raised. If he/she turned out to be his, something in my soul would make me want to pull away. Bonds established or not, and to me, that is the worst feeling and thought. Shunning an innocent child who didn't ask to be brought into the world. If it was the other man's child, my feelings would be the polar opposite.
Here's the thing. I'd be OK with another person (e.g. an anonymous sperm donor) being the father. That's why this is baffling me so much. I'm supportive of her becoming a mother--just not to any of DH's future children. It's the oddest catch-22.
If I could pinpoint something other than our marriage and my moral standing as to why the thought of DH and her creating new life is 1000% out of the question, I might be able to reach a breakthrough. My best friend suggested seeking a poly-friendly therapist because maybe I need to see it from someone else's POV and maybe there's something else blocking the acceptance of that. At this point, I'm willing. She also posed a different scenario.
As far as her having children, it's definitely on the horizon and in the future. Last night the words, "I do want to become a mum," came out of her mouth. No time frame was given. I wasn't expecting a definitive answer regarding time such as, "Yes, I want to start TTC within 6 months to a year." We've established that she wants to. Now, the when, which is hinging on her, the three of us finding a resolution, and more importantly, God's time. It's wonderful that she is thinking about becoming a mother now. I'm genuinely elated. I love babies. She's already an amazing mother to our children, so I don't expect anything different with those that are biologically hers.