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Old 01-02-2013, 04:26 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I wonder if perhaps Gia's plans and desires regarding Dexter is even something you should be privy to.
I've considered this idea. Right now I know what's happening with her and him due to a combination of her telling me things, me asking, and me following her tumblr blog. I'm not quite ready to let go of any of that yet -- knowing what's going on with my partner is too big of a deal to me. I think I could handle not knowing if she really didn't want to tell me about it, maybe? But if I know the option to have the knowledge is there, I can't bring myself to pass it up.

Maybe I should try to move past that, I don't know. I think that I might feel less connected to her if I knew that she was having these desires and new experiences but wasn't telling me about them. But, on the other hand, maybe the desire to always know the details is a type of addiction. I often feel a bit addicted to her. Isn't that what love is, sometimes, though -- a mutual addiction? I suppose that one should strive to not let it be like that, to love without attachment, but we're in a serious relationship of 3+ years... how am I supposed to keep from being attached? Can I? Should I?

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And although you are taking some kind of comfort in knowing how much harder for Gia it is to be vulnerable/sexual/assertive/whatever with people who are more important and close to her, it is just some justification you are seeking for all the time you put into this relationship and everything you've given up for her. But at least you feel better because now you can say you mean more to her than Dexter does - but why does that comfort you to see your place in her life as elevated above his?
It's not like that, I think. It's not that I need to feel that he's lesser, or that I need to feel justified in the fact that I've given up things... I don't actually think that I've given up anything, I just haven't gotten everything I've wanted when I've wanted it, which is different. I just need to understand why our sex life is the way it is... it's not that our sexual interactions are bad, or wrong, by *any* means, but they're different, it seems, than what she's trying to develop with him. Her desires and the way she expresses them are different with him.

I want to understand, because it hurts to think that it's just that she wants me less. Even if that might be true, I'm seeking different ways to look at it. Maybe they are just justifications, just means of self-comfort, but I need something to hold on to here. The real solution, I suppose, is to be less attached to the idea of being wanted... but I'm not there yet. I'm definitely not there yet. It's so painful, to want someone with a steady and hungry longing, and to not feel wanted in return. If she were just a friend, I hope that I would do the smart and self-loving thing, and pull away, give myself space. But she's my partner, and I want to keep this relationship strong and growing. How can I do that while pulling away?

Why do I keep putting myself in this position? Loving Eric, and being cared about as a friend in return. Desiring Gia, and being wanted in what feels like a more distant, academic way in return. Uneven. It's enough to make me want to give it all up. I've invested so much in these people, this situation, and sometimes I feel incredibly foolish for that. Other times, I can only bask in how happy my association with them makes me, how much they mean to me.

Eric has only ever offered friendship, so I can hardly fault him for not being more than a friend. And it's not like I spend all my time writing our initials in the margins of notebooks and drawing hearts around them, I'm not deluded about it. I like to think that I keep a sense of perspective, that I'm handling it healthily, as healthily as one can when it comes to unrequited love. As for Gia, she is doing everything in her power to be a good partner, I really do believe that. She sent me a couple of naughty pictures on her phone last week. She picked up a book on domming just recently. When she sees things I'd like she sends me links, when there's an exciting event coming up she invites me. Whatever slights I feel are not her fault, I can either accept what she has to give or not.

...I kind of got off on a tangent here, but there's a lot on my mind.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Also, what if Gia winds up having time with Dexter and they don't have sex, but just cuddle and caress instead? Would that feel as upsetting to you?
If she took *more* time for that with him than with me, yes, that would be upsetting. Maybe even moreso than if it were sex. What it would say, to me, was that it wasn't even about her physical desire for him, which I can rationally understand, but rather that it was about intimacy, closeness. Which is fine, except that *I* want that, *I* need that, with her... and if she can give that to him, but not to me, or at least not as much, well, the only conclusion I'd be able to come to would be that she values intimacy and closeness with him more than with me, and I wouldn't know what to make of that, how to reconcile that with the idea of she and I as partners. The idea that she would prefer to be with someone who's *not* a partner, just a FWB, well, it's just hurtful. I think that's natural, isn't it? It would mean that this relationship is far more unbalanced than I thought.

So, I'd be fine if they did that every now and then. But if it was frequent... well, we're back to the same problem I was having before, the problem of comparing. I may be moving away from setting limits, but that doesn't mean that the issue of comparisons is done away with entirely. I don't know how to get rid of it, or if I should. It's not a trivial thing, how she chooses to spend her time, not when she has so little of it. She is her own person and free to make her own choices for her own reasons, but that doesn't mean I can necessarily weather them and still stay involved with her in the same way, as a partner.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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