Thank you so much for your post, Rory. It's really nice to feel understood -- we seem to be on the same page on multiple levels -- and your advice is spot on as well. Excellent point about the importance of trust.
I feel certain that the direction of letting go of my boundary about the time they spend together is the right one. When I was focusing hard on the time-together boundary, all I felt was anxiety and sadness, to the point that I was questioning the relationship itself. There was no peace to be had there. If she broke my boundary, I would be left in agony, but if she followed it, I would always be wondering whether I was just holding her back, whether she really wanted to be with him more. Clinging to a hard limit provided the illusion of a solution without actually settling anything.
When I started to discard that way of thinking, I became much calmer. Since then, the whole situation hasn't troubled me in the same way. I'm sure that there will be times when I struggle with it again, but for now I've found what I needed in order to have some peace, which was to let go of the idea of controlling the situation.
Did you see, on my tumblr, my post about my gender? If you didn't, I'll send you a link.
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.