This has been a painfully eye-opening experience for me, and it's really gotten me to consider how I love. There are so many subtle undertones of control, neediness and ownership and I'm trying to wash a lot of that away. It's not fun, but I feel like I'm growing.
At the same time I don't know what our marriage means anymore, I had a fantasy about us being special and that it was us against the world. That fantasy isn't exactly gone, but I'm having a hard time overlaying it on poly - where the two of us simply can't complete her. I feel like we are meant for each other, and I don't want to give that up.
I realize that this is all in my head, but as much as I want to, I can't turn my brain off. My life and my wife can be awesome if I can just get past all of this - but pain and jealousy keep derailing me. I feel needy and that makes my wife need more space - a tough cycle to break out of. Divorce and separation have come up several times, mostly from hurt - but we both wonder if we've outgrown each other.
I could go on, but this is enough layers of the onion for now. My wife and I have talked this to death and I need to be able to talk and share with others. I'd like to find someone for myself, but that's never been my strong suit and this is so much on my mind that I'd be a rotten date right now.
I could use some support, please let me know if you can relate.