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Old 12-31-2012, 06:20 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I can't tell you what's right, wrong, or unfair but sometimes in poly, things aren't equal. In my case, it was my husband who had an element of discomfort upon my revelation that I was poly. He would never be OK with me having another relationship with a man outside of him. Fortunately for him and us, I don't have that desire either. Doesn't tickle my fancy. In the beginning, he was happy/relieved that the other person I wanted to be with was a female.

Your husband may very well end up staying mono, and your situation could end up being a V, with you being the hinge. Poly is not for everyone, and if that's not what he wants, that's just the way it is. Kudos to you for giving him the option and the choice.
It seems that way. DH, like your husband, would have felt hurt had I wanted a relationship with another man. I didn't, don't, and never have. CG, on the other hand, offers me a different set of experiences that are utterly different than the relationship I have with him and he doesn't feel particularly threatened by her...partially because she is female, yes, but also because he knows her well and she has no desire for a long-term, serious, partnership with me. Also in play is the fact that I move incredibly slowly, sexually and physically.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Could your feelings of disgust stem from the fact that for years, that intimate bond has only been between the two of you? Why does it bother you that some other woman could potentially--not definitely--be getting what I presume to be half of you? (I view my husband as the other half to my heart's duet.)
There's some of that. I don't feel like our marriage would be at risk, or that he'd want a second wife/mother-to-his-children/etc. We already live in quite the village, with roommates and close friends that are in our lives deeply for periods. For me, the discomfort stems from the idea of him sharing something that, up until now, has only been ours. Sex, for us, has always been intertwined with our love for each other, our desire to grow old together, our spirituality and our home.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
How do you think he really feels about your desire to be with someone else? Does it seem like he is bothered, or does not feel like he is adequate enough to meet your needs? Did he have a lot of questions, or was it more listening to you done on his end? ... Seek clarity as to why the thought of him being with someone else bothers you. Do you have any qualms with seeking someone outside of your marriage? Talk to your husband and see how he really feels. Not a surface answer like, "If it makes you happy, I'm happy." Delve a little deeper. Keep communicating with the both of them--separately and jointly. Good luck with the therapist and the workshop!
He listened, asked questions, expressed fears. We talked to each other and to her (and her primary BF). He thinks it has to potential to be something quite lovely for she and I to explore, so long as he's not left out of the goings-on in my head/heart. He doesn't want me engaging in a D/s relationship with her (even though we're both kinda kinky), and he's unsure of how he feels about she and I blatantly fucking, but as I see this relationship as one of more-intimate friendship with physical aspects to it, not something overtly sexual, he's happy that the part of me interested in women has (perhaps) found a way to be expressed.

He's the one that found this forum, the workshop, and is doing the legwork on the therapist hunt. He also shoos me out the door to spend time with her, and delights in my moments of "squee" she she holds my hand, or when she kissed me goodbye at the airport. As an open and honest communicator, I've yet to see him balk in anyway other than confusion or passing fears/concerns...which we then talk about at length.

Also comforting to me and he, CG does not date couples or engage in threesomes, as a rule. This makes your situation one that is highly unlikely, even if it was something he started to desire.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
As far as the CG, take it one day at a time. Feeling and emotions are just that. No one says you have to act on them. Sort of like...I may love you, but we do not need to be together for this reason or that reason.
If it never goes any further than it has, I will be alright. I have a vague yearning, a deplorably large crush on her, and an acute desire to sweep her into my arms and kiss her when I see her, to snuggle on a couch with her and do nothing. Oftentimes she is alright with the cuddling; rarely but occasionally she is willing to indulge the kissing. It may go further, it may not. Regardless, I do not think I will be out looking for a woman to date. The education (reading, workshops, therapy) are being done in prep for the possibility...if it does not transpire then I've learned a lot about the way other people relate, a bit about my own feelings, and I can set this whole thing aside.
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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