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Old 12-31-2012, 02:20 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I wonder if perhaps Gia's plans and desires regarding Dexter is even something you should be privy to. Maybe you just shouldn't know what else/who else she's doing. And although you are taking some kind of comfort in knowing how much harder for Gia it is to be vulnerable/sexual/assertive/whatever with people who are more important and close to her, it is just some justification you are seeking for all the time you put into this relationship and everything you've given up for her. But at least you feel better because now you can say you mean more to her than Dexter does - but why does that comfort you to see your place in her life as elevated above his? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but just to be aware of it. Maybe in certain cases, it is just better for everyone all around to focus on the relationships we have with the people we love and not be informed about the relationships they have with others, especially if we know there is a part of us that sees it as a competition for equal, or perhaps, special treatment.

Also, what if Gia winds up having time with Dexter and they don't have sex, but just cuddle and caress instead? Would that feel as upsetting to you?

There is also something that struck me in your earlier post. And this is something I do, too. You have been sort of "keeping score" and that isn't totally fair to her, either. You've been highly aware of everything you've given up for her, and of every sacrifice you've made for her, and somewhere in the back of your mind, you want "what's due." You've been keeping a tally for over a year, right? You want that to count. You want her to acknowledge all that and make it all up to you, even though much of the time you suffered and struggled silently and she probably was never even aware of what you were going through in order to accommodate all her needs.

You want a pay-off, and I don't say that to be cruel. I do this with others, too. It is what we are taught in this society, but I have a strong feeling that such score-keeping is not good for relationships. My husband did it with me, and in the simplest view of our relationship, he left because he didn't feel I gave back what he gave to me. But I wasn't aware of all the things he held against me as sacrifices he had made. I also over-compromise and willingly give up things I want in relationships, with the hopes it will get me a return later on, that at some point the person will turn around and say, "You've given me so much, been so patient, so good to me, now let me reward you." But I'm not verbalizing the deal to anyone. I am making it look like I am selflessly giving, while underneath it all I'm keeping an inventory of everything I give away, and then when it seems like that person chooses someone or something else to direct their focus on, I feel unappreciated and passed over. There is definitely something to look at there, I think. Either we give just to give, without expecting something back, or we stay aware of our motives and keep them in check so we don't hurt ourselves with them later when the pay-off we want doesn't come. Because she has every right to choose whomever she wants to be with at whatever time feels right for her, but it is up to us to work on not letting their choice to be with others be some sort of slight against us.

I hope that all made sense.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 05:24 AM.
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