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Old 12-30-2009, 10:58 PM
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anon4now anon4now is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 17
Cool

Sorry I haven't followed up with any of the posts, it's been an exciting holiday time with the family.

I feel that I type like I think which is normally rambling. If this bothers you, I will improve as I get more comfortable sharing what's going on and as I understand better what I need to do and how to do it.

I still haven't discussed my issue with my wife but M and I have stopped our physical interactions but still hang out and are close friends. We still tell eachother that we love one another but that is it. We tried to not do that and it just didn't feel right.

I have tried to convince myself that M was just there for me when I was having a need that she was willing to fill and then I tried to convince myself that this is just an infatuation that I let go to far. Nothing I try changes how I feel for her. I continue to love her the same that I love my wife and my children.

I saw where some people responded (some with vigor) that you don't stop loving people (LovingRadiance, I have read up and continue to learn from your experiences THANKS). I know I will never stop loving M just like I would never stop loving my family. I just don't know how to love someone as much as I love her and not feel like part of my soul is missing when she's not there.

Part of me is relieved that my story isn't uncommon and part of me is excited to know that other people who have made my mistake have gone on to experience what I believe my heart and soul needs.

And finally there is a part that is scared to death of bringing this up with my wife and crushing her heart even though I don't love her any less... And there is the fact that I know I would be hurt (at least initially) if she came to me with the same request/statement. Maybe I'd think of M and be able to quickly get my jealousy under control.

Weather or not my wife and I open our marriage is way up in the air. The one thing that I am 100% certain of is that I love my wife, childrean and M all with the same emotions and intensity as the other. I am Poly.

Thanks for letting me ramble and thanks to the board owners who have given us a place to be with like minds.

-more to come-
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