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Old 12-31-2012, 09:53 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Haha, I love the schizophrenic you!

Reading your last post, I admire the strength you have. I think that is a really difficult direction to take, particularly when you're feeling so very raw, to go towards breaking away the boundaries rather than towards solidifying them and setting up new ones. But I can't help to think that, somehow, it's the right direction. Not because it's more evolved or something, it's just... The other direction seems to work fine for some people, but I don't think it does for us. Maybe it's the over-analysing nature, but eventually more boundaries just can't bring the satisfaction of safety. In the end, they simply don't help that much. You'll still be looking at the uncertainty right in the eye, the fact that things can and do change. The fact that the person you love is an autonomous being with their own wants, and even if the consequences of that fact sometimes hurt like hell, everything else is still kind of beside the point. So I think, keep going with that.

I also have some thoughts about the gender thing. That is such a tough one. I've been on both sides of the equation. I haven't written about it that much, but at one point I seriously questioned my own gender identity, to a such extent that a full transition was on the table. I later came to conclude that I do not feel like a man any more than I feel a woman, i.e. there's not really a recognisable gender I could transition to. Also, I prefer the social/cultural position of a woman, at least having been socialised as one. So, any major physical changes have been shelved for now, so the issue is not as critical now, but one thing that was really difficult to when I was evaluating everything is that Alec is straight. I've never been straight, and it feels just somehow so very wrong that even if I didn't change as a person, just my body changed, that he might think it too much for himself for us to be in a relationship anymore. At the time, I had serious difficulties with this, with the concept. There's something very unsettling, a feeling of lack of acceptance.

Yet, later, I've started to understand it slightly better. Helps that my own (practical) sexual interest has been moving more towards one gender (women). Gives me something analogous, something through which to relate, at least slightly, to how a gay/straigh person feels. And also shows me that there may be things that are unfair and really arbitrary and yet affect the comfort of being sexual with a person... It's almost karma, or something, that such a small time after I struggle with the boundaries of his sexuality, I end up struggling with mine in very similar ways the other way around - having difficulties with straight sex and evaluating whether I can/should be sexual with a man at all... Difficult stuff, on both sides of it.

One last thing I wanted to comment on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
One thing that I don't know how to react to at all is the idea that Dexter might help bring us closer. On the surface, of course, that sounds wholly positive. But, like, if she's suddenly more eager to schedule dates with me (this upcoming date being the first one in recent memory that she took the initiative to suggest days for rather than me being the one to do that), how much of that is because she wants to be with him, and knows that in order to do that without alienating me she needs to schedule time with me too? How depressing, to only be remembered because someone else has set her alight and she's trying to get the logistics in order. Or perhaps it's not that, perhaps it's just spillover NRE, her excitement for him making her more excited about sex and sexuality in general. That wouldn't be so bad, if it was just sort of a happy side-effect. OR, perhaps this is something that I should really try not to over-think and fruitlessly speculate about...
To the last suggestion, that is what I would focus on, aiming to limit the fruitless speculation. It is Gia's place to decide and evaluate the validity of her choices, not yours. Not something you need to worry about, and not really even something you should worry about. Distrusting her motives is actually slightly disrespectful even, it kind of says "I don't trust your ability to make choices without them being influenced by factors which I don't think should have an effect". Even if that has some truth in it, that the new situation has some new, potentially problematic factors which might have an effect, distrusting her ability to make good choices disrespects her agency. None of us makes decisions in a vacuum, after all. It is her job to figure out which impulses she wants to follow, to decide on priorities, to figure out what she wants. It is yours to trust that, whatever the combination of motives that go into her decision of spending time with you, she has chosen that as what she most wants to do.

<3
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