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Old 12-31-2012, 06:15 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 648

Thanks for taking the time to respond to this fallout of a nightly funk. I think you touched on some important bits.

To me it seems like you can imagine him hating you because you think you saw a glimpse of it.
Totally right, I feel that I saw a glimpse and am unsure how to handle the 'whole' if it was ever thrown right into my face. We already talked about his emotions after the fight and he simply explained that this was his outlet, that he is indeed nearly steaming with anger in those moments and that he on the other hand never met a person who is as calm as me. All his previous girlfriends were similar to him, throwing things at him when being mad, screaming, being even more furious than he was. One of his first comments after the fight was “One can't quarrel with you.” and it was kind of frustrated as well. It's something perfectly normal to him. (Same is true for his family, they are really loud and emotional when they disagree or when they are happy with something.)

I remember when my son was small(er), there were times that I was so furious with him that I felt that I hated him, and that during such moments it was impossible for me to be aware of love as well. This surprised my husband, who was still aware of love even in his moments of anger, and it disturbed him a bit too. Perhaps he thought I could not truly love my son and feel this, but I did. Perhaps this is a little parallel to your situation?
This would be what is going on in our case. I can't 'hate' that way. I can't be furious when I am angry, not in this irrational, emotional way. Every moments of our fight I was unable to forget the 'love-element' of our overall relationship, while he seemed to explode into a person I didn't know. That's part of the reason why I feel insecure, I guess. That there is more to him than I know and I wouldn't be able to handle it if he showed me. I can't come up with a way to manage it, because I feel at a disadvantage. How to answer to someone who is 'hitting' you when you want to 'stroke' him? (Not literally, of course, but that was the first fitting example I could think of.)

Maybe it's just too new for me and I will kind of get used to it over the years. It isn't something daily by far (just happened once until now) and maybe I am overreacting.

the alternative may be that he feels so strongly for you that the idea of loss is more than he can deal with, and his response is anger.
I don't know how much truth is inside this assumption, I will ask when we talk about this topic again. Partially it is true that he wouldn't be able to argue with someone not as dear to him as me in such a way. But I don't know if it is because of a fear of loss.

Getting to know each other is a real slow process in this case as it seems Thanks again, wildflowers, for giving some perspective.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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