Originally Posted by BlueDragonfly
My husband has always had difficulty expressing and talking. He just shuts down. I on the other hand am very honest and open. I have always said that we are polar opposites.
... I can't fathom the fact that he doesn't want to at least try to understand and accept me, when I do it for him.
I have expressed how I feel and I honestly feel like he just doesn't care if I am miserable. Our relationship, to me, has been broken for quite sometime...
I have accepted him for being quiet, passive aggressive and for several indiscretions in the past (he has a hard time being honest and after counseling, we moved past that and I CHOSE to forgive him)... So why can't he accept me?
I feel like I have sacrificed so much in the relationship and in return he just sweeps my needs under the rug.
I have very similar issues with both my partners; oddly enough, it's not about the poly thing, but other things.
Have you seen The Five Love Languages? Somewhere online there's a test you can take, to figure out your love languages. The deal is that people want to be shown love in different ways, and most people assume that everyone else wants to be shown love in the same way they do; when in fact, we often have partners who want to be loved in a different way than we do.
No surprise, my two highest love languages are provided by each partner. One satisfies my high need for physical touch (we're like velcro), and the other one does stuff for me. Some people need presents to feel loved (while I love presents, the lack of them doesn't leave me feeling unloved).
I do feel so much reading your words. I have said very similar things about one of my partners. It really does seem as though he has zero concern for my state of being. 'You don't like that I do x? suck it' That's no fun to hear. But when my battery dies two hours before he gets up (we don't live together), he will get up, dress, and come jump my battery without a single complaint or resentment.
He has also expressed to me that he gets 'stupid' in my presence because he's so in love with me. I haven't decided if I exactly believe that, because he never loses his words. He speaks, and spins bullshit, for a living, and he's damn good at it. But I remember the first time we were alone together, we were mere acquaintances, and he was being so stupid. I'd never heard him be quite so goofy. Many years later, when I found out he liked me, and always had, that conversation made much more sense.
So all that leads me to wonder if perhaps your man is so completely freaked out about losing you that he 'can't' talk about it. Maybe that's why it's so hard for him? Yes, you've said that...
Anyway, perhaps his love language needs reassurance in some different way than you explaining/telling him that you're not gonna leave and what you really need is to talk.