Having experienced, thought about, discussed and inquired into monogamy and non-monogamy (particularly polyamory) over many years, I've concluded that the main, core issue where there is difficulty or strife around the convergence of monogamy and non-monogamy/polyamory in many various contexts is the presence of a sort of Default Belief System which is nearly ubiquitous in our culture/s. This Belief System generally dwells and lives in darkness, because it generally never gets directly examined and questioned at all.
By "default" I'm deliberately using a computer metaphor, as in "default settings" in a computer. In a default computer setting, the computer has been instructed to select from among a variety of setting options automatically. Our culture/s do this for us with regard to how we think and talk and believe ... feel and act ... in relation to relationships. The culture has a largely unquestioned set of beliefs which generally go examined and which are set as "default" choices -- the choice we make because we don't ultimately choose at all, because we basically accept the Code as written.
Oddly enough, most people in The Culture are completely unaware of The Code they are opperating by, because it operates as a kind of automatic pilot ... from the darkness where it lives in un-examination. So most people in The Culture are unaware of the fact -- for example -- that they believe that "True Love Must Be Exclusive In Order For It To Be True Love". So -- for example -- when their lover/partner/husband/wife says they'd like to be free to explore Other Loves while retaining the Present Love ... this sounds like nonsense and poppycock. It also tends to sound like rejection, or like offering less than a Whole Love (since to love two people at the same time must -- it is assumed -- to be divide the love into two halves).
These examples of The Code are just a couple from among dozens or hundreds of intertwined beliefs -- or lines of code.
My purpose in pointing out some features of the life of this Code here is not to say that everything about the Code is wrong or false. Nor is it to say that the Code is a prison or should be abandoned or refuted.... My purpose is to encourage us all to become familiar with The Code, to bring it out of "darkness" into the light, so it can be discussed and examined -- in order that we can consciously decide or choose for ourselves how we wish to live.
So I'm echoing GalaGirl's above post ... by saying (to paraphrase) it isn't necessary that you change your relationship structure in order to explore and share your thoughts and feelings with your husband, BlueDragonfly. But to do that with your husband, he'd be sharing with you the experience of bringing The Code from darkness into light. This is as delicate a task as any archaology. And one does not exhume and study burried artifacts unless one hungers for understanding, longs for truth, loves the truth, seeks wisdom. The hunger for wisdom has to be greater than the fear of inquiry.
Last edited by River; 12-30-2012 at 06:51 PM.