Thread: Confused
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Old 12-30-2012, 03:28 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,745

Hello and welcome to the forum. Hopefully reading and posting here will help you sort out some of your feelings and lend some insight to the fact that you are not alone, that many of us have experienced similar periods of confusion.

Your first few posts definitely convey the jumble of confusion that you are feeling right now. Sometimes just letting all of that out can be cathartic in itself. I'm going to try, here, to sort through some of what you have said and see if we can find some avenues to address what you are feeling.

Statements on feeling confused/alone:

Originally Posted by fever411 View Post
I need advice on this because I feel like I am going crazy and have no one to talk to.

I feel like I am a terrible person to want more than what my spouse gives me.

...and am worried that something must be wrong with me to be so curious, and to want things no married person that is loyal and faithful should want.

...and I feel ever so wicked inside that I even wonder about these things. Tht I am curious, and I feel utterly alone in them. I came here to learn about what ll this is about and I am scared of not knowing and the appetites I have inside of me. I do not understand them.

...and is that wrong when you love someone but need even though there is no one to need? I am terrified inside and do not trust myself in my needs. They make me feel ashamed even want outside our I alone?
Originally Posted by fever411 View Post
I do not know what to do with myself, I was really hoping for some insight...

It is just ......a very lonely road and has been for a while, and I just want to be me. Perhaps there is just no way to address this, not for me.
OK. Stop. Breathe. Pause. Breathe again.

These are thoughts and feelings you are having. Thoughts and feelings happen...having them does not make you a bad person. You can then choose to act on these thoughts and feelings or not but that is a separate thing from just having them.

To me, it is unrealistic to expect ONE person to meet all of your needs and wants. We have many people in our lives - friends, family, partner(s) - all of them enrich our lives in different ways.

It might be helpful to sort out, for yourself, what it is that you want that is "more than what my spouse gives me" that you feel are "things no married person that is loyal and faithful should want". How does being married/loyal/faithful change the things that you "should" want? We want what we want - where does the "should" come from?

Presumably these are things that are romantic/sexual in nature or you would not be here (i.e. you could have these "wants" met by close friends). Are these things that you feel are "missing" from your marriage that you would like to incorporate but your spouse is not interested in? (i.e. BDSM or certain types of sex play) Or things that require someone other than your spouse to accomplish (i.e. sex with women, sex with multiple partners, sex with different people)

Statements on marriage/spouse:

Originally Posted by fever411 View Post
I really love being married to my spouse, but I married someone younger than me. there is a a lot of pressure to smile and be the conquest.

I really care for my spouse...

I deeply love my spouse...

I have a lot of responsibilities and cannot afford to make mistakes this time around, he is younger than I am my spouse...

...when I am treated so well most of the time
Originally Posted by fever411 View Post
...I did not sign up to be told I had no choice ad that is how I feel that the choice is taken from me and I do not have a say and if I say some thing there is drama
You mention twice that your spouse is younger than you. Why do YOU think that this plays into your thoughts/feelings on the subject? Is it that you are at different stages of your lives, different levels of emotional maturity, different levels of libido?

Regardless of the topic at hand (opening a marriage) the quote I put in red above is concerning. Everyone has choices. Staying with someone is a choice. You say you are treated so well "most of the time" - what about the REST of the time? I could speculate and make assumptions but you might benefit from looking at whether there is something amiss in your marriage itself before looking at "branching out".

Oftentimes, people come here looking to openness/poly to help "fix" something that is wrong with their marriage. This is often not a good idea (depending on what need/want it is that is not being met). Adding more people to the mix often increases the strain on existing relationships.

Statements on openness/sexuality:

Originally Posted by fever411 View Post
some friends of ours are exploring open relationships and it has come up several times in our conversations as well.

I came into my sexuality late in life, I was very shy and it wasn't until I failed at marriage that I took a younger lover to teach me that I was not broken. I have lived a great deal and awakened late to my sexuality ; meaning I did not discover myself until I was 29 years old and three kids later.

I have needs, adn even though I have broached this subject of opening things up a bit, I have been met with suspicion , invasion of my private thoughts and distrust.

I recently found out that one of my best friends husband thinks I am very attractive. I know it is just because they are having a rough time , but it felt so good to hear. I am bursting at the seems I think there is a difference between love and lust.

...and he has talked about open relationships , but I had to do it first , and then give him a threesome. I support his ideas I think they are worthy of exploration, but is it wrong that I want to express myself privately ?
Originally Posted by fever411 View Post
...although the blogs I am reading a re really helpful , in dealing with issues of jealousy , how it is not all just about sex, and how the many terms can help define what it is can be labeled, my mind is open and I want to learn as much as I can so that I do not fear the unknown, but understand it as it comes to me...

DO I accept my fate? even knowing that perhaps me just keeping it to myself would save a lot of trouble, I approached it once and got my privacy completely violated and was made to feel like a suspect just for talking about it the distrust there broke my heart. I know that I want it to be fair , but I feel sometimes like I am dealing with a child's fantasies more than a grown persons desires and needs. .
A few of these statements (the one's in red) concern me...that you "failed at marriage" (as opposed to the marriage itself failing, or the role of the other person) and were somehow sexually "broken". How did you come to feel this way? Are there underlying issues here that you have not addressed?

I understand that many spouses, when faced with a spouse bringing up opening a marriage may respond with "suspicion" and "distrust" but how does "invasion of my private thoughts" happen? It then sounds as though your husband may be open to certain types of openness - if he is promised that he will get his fantasy (i.e. "give him a threesome" - I'm not sure how that works exactly, since there is another person involved that would have to be interested as well, and it doesn't sound like that is what you are interested in yourself, although perhaps willing to investigate further).


I don't know if any of my musings are helpful. It seems, to me, like you may have some internal/personal issues (i.e. feeling that you "failed" at marriage, getting over feeling "broken", feeling bad because you want things that you think you "should" not want) that are complicating your thoughts. It also sounds like, again to me, that you and your husband have some marital/relationship issues that should be addressed - how did you resolve the suspicion/distrust issues identified when you brought up the subject before, how is it that he gets to "take" your choices away, etc.?

You may find the services of a good counselor (individual and/or marital) to be helpful in sorting through these issues.

Just some thoughts to consider...

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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