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Old 12-30-2012, 07:59 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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The next day, Saturday, was supposed to be a special day for Gia and Eric. They'd planned to spend the whole day together, just them, no baby, morning 'til evening, which they haven't done since he was born. But, yet again, there was an issue with the babysitter. With the movie, I'd been asked to fill in. This time I offered proactively, more than anything because I wanted to see more of Bee. He's been an absolute delight lately (when he hasn't been being an absolute terror, which does of course happen from time to time, as with any young toddler). They'd already rescheduled their special day, but Gia said that, if I still wanted to come over, they'd love the opportunity to get some things done and maybe take a nap. I said that sounded perfect.

Bee, again, was great, very interested in everything, very easy to entertain. I enjoyed the peaceful vibe of the house, the two of them puttering about while the baby and I read picture books and bounced balls. At one point, Gia and Eric disappeared into their bedroom and closed the door. It stayed closed for a while. At first I was indignant and verging on hurt -- after our conversation yesterday, she'd really consider it appropriate to go screw her husband while I was in the other room? But then I remembered that she had specifically said that, if I came over, they'd take a nap.

"Wow," I thought to myself. "This is how on edge I am, that I can offer, of my own free will, to do a favor, and then perceive a slight when I'm taken up on it. That's... not good." It made me stop and assess. Gia has said, more than once, that she worries this relationship is unfair to me. Is she right? Am I putting myself in too difficult of a situation? Do I give too much, of my time, of myself, of my energy, for what I can get in return? Am I offering things with an open heart, or am I offering them only with an expectation of return, and perhaps a very unrealistic expectation at that? These are all questions I've asked myself before, in various ways, of course. I decided that maybe it had been a mistake to come over and spend the day with them after having such an intense, difficult time just the day before. Maybe it would have been better to give myself some space. There wasn't much to be done about it in the moment, though. I focused on the baby.

As a postscript, Dexter turned out to be sick with a cold, so Gia's design to get him alone this weekend couldn't come to fruition anyway. We all ended up going to our other friend's house that night and watching the movie that we'd been talking about watching there and then, rather than the next day at my place as had previously been our rough plan. Gia came along, and liked it. Bee was a handful, fussy through the whole thing, and Eric and I took turns trying to distract him. I headed home after that, after sharing several sweet kisses with Gia. Driving home was hard, I felt a tearing feeling, an incomplete feeling. I ruminated on our futures, on the impossibility of a co-primary arrangement in our vee, on all of those swirling questions from the paragraph above. I think I'm making it sound worse than it was? Suffice to say, I was in a funk.

When I got home, I started writing this post and the one above it. I also wrote a long email to Gia, reiterating in great detail why I needed her to not make more time with Dex than with me, and what exactly I meant by that, and how we might make things better going forward. I saved it, with no intention of sending it. I figured, I'll get it all out and then focus on other things, on the rest of my life, as much as I can, for the next week. I'm going to give myself some space from this, some distance. Hopefully some perspective too, to better see if I'm being reasonable or unreasonable, as I'm really not sure right now. Maybe it's ridiculous to even try to limit her relationship with Dexter in the slightest, maybe I'm wrong to concern myself with it.

To put things in perspective, they communicate very, very little compared to how often she and I talk, and they certainly see each other less than she and I do. There's almost nothing there, and here I am freaking out. Over sex, ultimately. I can call it intimacy, or alone time, or just-us time, but it's about sex. I'm hurt that my girlfriend and I have had so little sex in the last year, and angry at the thought that she wants him more than me. Maybe that's fair, maybe it's not. She says that it's scarier to be sexual with me because our relationship matters more, it's a bigger deal, that it's easier to be playful and teasing and light-hearted with him because it doesn't mean anything, it's not going anywhere. She says that she wishes things weren't backwards like that, but it's how it is. I'm not so sure that it won't get serious between them. She was wearing something of his today, a little thing that he left the last time he was over. I couldn't help but notice. I could see her falling for him. I don't think it'd make her love me less, but I don't know where the time would come from, the time for another love. Because I was wrong above, it's not about sex, it's about time. Really, it's about both. She swears that it won't become a "real" relationship, that part of what she likes about him is that he's not looking for that. But people can surprise you. Feelings can surprise you.

Gia and I have a date in a week and a half. If there are still things I need to say, I'll say them to her then. I'm thinking that I want to stay away from talking too much about Dexter, or about keeping score, and focus instead on us, and how we can be closer. I have a couple of ideas. Or maybe I won't say anything about any of it, maybe we'll just have a beautiful and relaxed date and have awesome sex and keep things light and playful. Mm, that sounds really nice.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-30-2012 at 08:17 AM.
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