View Single Post
  #1564  
Old 12-29-2012, 09:26 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Oh, hon, listen. He always was his own man. He always was making his own choices.

I think you got so comfortable in seeing him as part of your family, your household, your tribe, that you forgot he could make different choices at any time. You are see your connection with him as damaged, but perhaps think of it this way: it is deeper, more real, more authentic, because the frame of reference you had for him, as a monogamous lover of yours, totally devoted to you and only you, and part of your family, is lifting and giving way so you can see more of who he is as an individual. Just because Mono may want intimate friendships with other women, and not tell you about them shouldn't really hurt you - but you are choosing to see it as something that will definitely hurt you. Reframe it, let go. How wonderful that he trusts you so much he can tell you what he truly wants instead of fitting himself into your box.

It is indeed controlling and distrustful of you to ask that he keep you abreast of where he is and who he is with. You want to feel comfortable with allowing Mono to have "his own business?" It isn't yours to give. Why should he explain himself so you can get over the feeling that he doesn't belong to you? He never did, and that is a feeling inside you that you need to confront and get through on your own. You are two grown adults making your own choices everyday, but you only want him to choose you and seem to be taking his shifting into wanting something more, different, or separate from you as a personal affront, like a child who has been left behind in the playground.

I know it sucks to be a grown-up when reality hits us, but shit, that's what we gotta do. He is simply claiming space in his life to be a free man, to act according to how he sees fit for his life, and you are taking that as a wound against yourself. I think you need to open your eyes and see the reality of the situation. Yeah, it sucks that he hid stuff from you for a while, but maybe you can look at how it may not have felt safe for him to share with you all his feelings. And maybe you can look at the fact that he doesn't have to share all his feelings, either. Right now you are looking at everything from the perspective of someone who is having something precious taken away from her. But he wasn't yours to begin with.

I think the pity party you've been throwing for yourself needs to end. I say that with nothing but empathy and kindness toward you.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-29-2012 at 09:29 PM.
Reply With Quote