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Old 12-29-2012, 09:24 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 61

Originally Posted by River View Post
I could have used a lot more care in how I expressed myself in that post, and I'm sorry for being unclear on many things related to the subject. Still, I think what I meant to say remains basically valid...But I did mean to say that you can't undo the inquiry that has begun to unfold -- whether or not the two of you continue to talk about that inquiry.
I've already told you I disagree with this statement, and yet you persist on repeating it. This is not the opening of some huge and grand inquiry into further life-fulfillment for us, at least not as we are seeing it. This is the chance for me to explore an accidentally sprouted relationship, in and of itself, with my husband's blessing... Yes, there may be more boundaries on it than some others would place on their relationships, but we've always been rather big into boundaries and making sure to not make the other person unhappy or uncomfortable.

Originally Posted by River View Post
You might choose to drop the inquiry somewhat. But I wouldn't recommend that, because the inquiry is valuable whether or not you and your husband decide to open your relationship at some point. Especially valuable to consider, I think, is WHY you might be able and willing to love (romantically) another person besides your husband but the very thought of your husband doing so causes you great distress.
I'm not sure that line of questioning has inherent value outside of a practical situation. I think I am able to love someone in a romantic-ish fashion only because it seems to have happened. I think that for my husband, sex and romance are far more intertwined than they are for me, and that the sexual aspects of that possibility causes me distress. If I was involved in a heavily sexual "romance", or even looking at being in one, he would likewise be distressed. There.

Originally Posted by River View Post
So, yeah, I did suggest some advice, rather indirectly. I suggested keeping that inquiry alive and following it where it goes. That's my advice. And doing THAT doesn't require you to change your relationship from mono to poly (or any other kind of non-monogamy). I suppose the weakness of my post is that this advice was more implicit than explicit.
The weakness of your post is the assumption that there is some sort of inherent value in exploring this past the specific relationship in question. I don't see that there is, especially as DH hasn't expressed a desire for another romantic relationship, and I am not going to go out looking for one my own damn self.

Originally Posted by River View Post
You're right. You can choose to stop the whole process, including the fruitful inquiry into the source or root of the above-mentioned distress. If it is advice you want, I'd advice against retreating from the inquiry.
I believe the discussion is fruitful in that it allows me to be prepared to deal with DH in an honest and real way. I do not see that continued distress, just for the philosophical joy of theorizing, is worth much of anything...or that allowing this one off-shoot to go where it will before continuing on our merry mono path would be a bad thing.
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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