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Old 12-29-2012, 08:28 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Mmm, I'm going to disagree with your view. I get why UpsideDown did not see River's second post as particularly helpful. It may not have meant to be condescending, but it certainly wasn't practical advice either.
Thanks. That was sort of how I felt, especially as I was polite and courteous to his first, rather unhelpful post that seems to equate parity in relationships (impossible in any situation, more-so between a self-identified introverted-physically-oriented-straight-mono guy and his extroverted-physically-reserved-bisexual wife who has fallen, unexpectedly for her closest friend).

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Now this: is a HUGE "If" and really the crux of the problem.
Right. CG, openly poly and bi, was thrown totally off kilter when I told her I'd developed feelings for her, because she wasn't expecting the change. On the (not quite) off chance that DH decided he wants something else/more, I don't want to leave him in the same worried-about-my-panic lurch that I was in. It wouldn't be right for me to not do that soul-searching ahead of time, for him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
No, you're not being selfish and unfair. If you're asking for the same boundaries and limits to apply to both of you, that is fair. There's no "poly law" that says the ultimate goal is to have everyone be okay with multiple sexual partners. Now, as lots of people including you have said, your desires may change. His desires may change. So yes, it makes sense to think about the possibilities. But if you never want to have a fully sexual relationship with another person, there's NOTHING unfair about asking him to abide by the same limits. He may not agree to your limits, or your desires. That's always possible. There may come a time where you can't agree on how you want to conduct your relationships and need to part ways. But that's a possibility in any relationship and does NOT make you selfish or unfair.
Most helpful paragraph of the day!

In that, though, I'm curious. DH would not want me in a non-sexual D/s relationship with anyone else, although I wouldn't care if he had one (under a broad set of circumstances). He is alright with me taking a work trip out of town with CG and holding her all night...I would not be okay with him doing that with anyone. Do those kinds of not-in-kind exchanges work for other people?

There are lots of examples of that kind of difference, but we've always seen our marriage as a set of scales rather than a set of rules that we both must adhere to in the same manner. I might have a pound of feathers that takes up a lot of space, and he might have a small pound of lead in a ball..but they still balance. Or, he might have 2 lbs of rocks and me 1 lb of rocks, but by playing with the beam and the distance from the fulcrum, those can be made to balance, too.
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29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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