Originally Posted by Becca
That actually depends on where you live, and how you donate (through a clinic as opposed to using a turkey baster).
To the OP-- before you let your thoughts spin off in a million directions, you definitely need to talk to them. If your girlfriend is 35, she may have already made the decision that she doesn't want to have kids.
Really, everyone ultimately has (or ought to have) the right to their own reproductive choices, so I understand that this is something you might not feel comfortable bringing up. It also makes sense that with all the compersion you're feeling, you are embarrassed to confess to this one area where you feel jealous. My best advice is to try to forgive yourself for feeling jealousy-- it is normal and natural to feel that way, and does not mean that you have failed to evolve to the perfect poly person, or that you are flawed, or that you don't love these people deeply. It's okay to feel it.
Consider, maybe, that because this one area (having kids) is sort of it's own little emotional arena, your brain might be dumping all of your jealousies and insecurities into this field. That is, you might be having much more intense feelings about this issue than you otherwise would, because it's the venue for you to express all the little anxieties and concerns that crop up when you see the people you love focusing on each other rather than you. That's okay.
I really just think that if you give yourself permission to have your feelings, to experience insecurity and jealousy and anxiety, and work through them, they won't have so much control over you.
And talk to your loved ones about this. Present it as: "I'm so happy that this relationship is growing between you, and I'm not really having much jealousy at all, especially compared to the happiness that I'm feeling, but there is this one area where I feel insecure and I want to talk to you about it and see what your feelings are."
This is not jealousy or insecurity in the least bit. It takes strong and confident person to be poly. For me, jealousy has always been to want someone else. If I was infertile or had trouble TTC, jealousy might be an issue then. If I had the desire, I could get pregnant right now. It is entirely too soon, and my brain is still in "I'm a new mum again" mode. Though our other child is only four, we're still adjusting to having a new baby in the house.
This is the one thing that is off-limits. Even if you were to take the fact that we have a seven month old out of the equation, I would still not be 110% on board and supportive. Most people have limits. Even if they include things my primary must always be there when I wake up or no fluid bonding. This one is unequivocally, without a shadow of a doubt, mine. My feelings aren't actually that intense. I'm just the type of person who knows what they want, and when my heart is set on something, nothing can change it.
If she becomes pregnant, that is lifelong responsibility and commitment. Being a parent never stops. The relationships just change and grow as the people do.
Due to the holidays and being in separate parts of the world right, we have not had the chance to have an in-depth face to face conversation. I agree with all of you. Talking has to happen. Thank you all for insight and opinions. It is appreciated beyond belief. Very glad that I found this forum. Talking to my mono friends about this probably would have lead to a resounding hell no I wouldn't be OK with that. Fortunately, you all understand and have experienced variations of this.