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Old 12-29-2012, 01:31 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,850

Originally Posted by thebutteryfly View Post
I feel I should work toward offering my wife to the other Poly guy to create more harmony.

Thoughts anyone?
A few thoughts, actually:

#1.) Your wife is not a personal possession that you "offer" to someone, like you would offer to loan them your car. (Maybe you don't mean it like that, or maybe this terminology is common in the swinger community, or maybe you have a Master/Slave dynamic that you didn't mention...but that really caught me off guard. Ugh!)

#2.) Adding MORE people to a dynamic that is already "not all that solid" seems like a terrible idea - how is making things more complicated going to "create more harmony"?. Figure out your shit with #2 and #3 without dragging your wife into the fray.

#3.) You may want to look at why the thought of one-on-one sex with #2 makes you "feel awkward" just because you haven't had one-on-one sex with #3. Presumably if #3 wanted one-on-one sex with you she would have made it known. Apparently #3 likes threesomes and group sex (not everyone does, #1 for instance)), but why would this affect #2's preferences (for one-on-one sex)? Again this may stem from the "swinger" background...but "Fair" =/= "Exactly the Same"... each relationship (and I consider FWBs to be a relationship even though others here disagree) has it's own dynamic - people have different needs/wants/fantasies.

#4.) Your wife doesn't like drama. She views Poly as drama-land. This polycule seems ripe for all sorts of drama. Why would you try to get her involved if you "don't think she would like the idea"?

My non-expert advise?

Don't expect your wife to be interested in things she is not interested in. If your relationship "allows" for you to develop outside relationships then fine, but that doesn't mean that she has to be involved if that isn't her thing.

Don't tie yourself in knots trying to "fix"/balance/whatever other people's relationships (i.e. Poly guy's relationships with his girlfriends). You having one-on-one sex with #2 won't "fix" the fact that she wants one-on-one sex with Poly guy and isn't getting it. "Quality time" you spend with #3 (if you do spend time with her outside of 3some/group sex encounters) doesn't make up for a lack of "quality time" between her and Poly Guy. People are not interchangeable.

It's good that you get along with him (Poly guy) but you seems pretty focused on who is sleeping with whom under what circumstances and, frankly, that is not your business - that is for them to figure out. For instance, the fact that #1, who you are not involved with, doesn't like group play, is irrelevant to YOUR interactions with #2 and #3.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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