My husband and I will be married 7 years on Monday. The first year of our marriage was really rough, and in the years after that I think that we've grown a lot. There is a lot of background to give, but it is the last year that has been even rougher for us that I could have ever imagined.
I have decided to go back to school for physical therapy, and part of that is taking prerequisites before I can apply. I was in the middle of Calculus last winter when I took a trip with one of my best friends to NOLA for her 30th. Leading up to the trip I spent many nights burning the midnight oil, so that I wouldn't have anything hanging over my head while I was in NOLA. The problem with this plan is that my husband was starting to feel like I was doing all of this to avoid him. The end result was that while I was in NOLA, he went to a party with one of my other best friends and ended up having sex with her that night.
I'm not sure what the appropriate reaction was to have when I found out, but I know that how I react to things I consider to be someone life shattering with very little grace. We glossed over what happened as best we could, and tried to repair the relationship with my friend but that relationship is dead at this point.
Shortly after all of this happened, my husband told me that he was in love with a previous acquaintance we ran into on his birthday before all of the above happened. From day one he has felt someone ashamed and guilty for having these feelings, and I'm not sure if that is something that happens with anyone going from a previously mono relationship to poly. I don't want him to feel guilty of loving someone else, and I *think* I've been very supportive of their relationship.
His new girlfriend also has a female partner that she has been with for 5 years. In all the craziness of Calculus, I made time to have them over for dinner to discuss boundaries and whatever else the outside partner needed to have to feel comfortable. My husband and I have only had a few outside sexual partners, and our line/rule/boundary has always been no penatration. In looking back, this was very much MY boundary. I'm not quite sure why he agreed to it so easily and why any issue with it was not discussed sooner. The boundaries set by his girlfriend's partner were far ahead of mine. Sexually, she did not want them doing anything beyond kisses and hugs. Also, spending the night at our place was not allowed at first. I'm still not sure I am aware of all of her boundaries, but the hardest one for me was that she wanted me involved in the relationship between my husband and his girlfriend. His girlfriend also had her own set of rules for herself. The one that sticks out is that if our marriage was not copacetic she would leave. Give that we never fully dealt with the incident with my best friend and what caused it, this rule was already broken from the start.
So all the rules above with the new girlfriend (even her own)...all of them broken. Every promise she made to me and her partner...broken. We had a long talk with all four of us involved this past Sunday, and his girlfriend finally admitted to her partner that she has not kept any of the promises/boundaries that were set. We're trying to move forward, but overall I do not think or feel that I can ever trust this woman.
My husband and I were fortunate enough to find a poly friendly counselor on our insurance plan. We have seen her a couple of times together, and I saw her once after my husband told me that he and the new girlfriend had slept together during this last semester while I was in class. The truth is I'm hoping to find others in this community that I can talk to that have good advice to give. Let's be honest, 45 minutes with the counselor once a week is just not enough.
My husband and I have our plan to repair our marriage, and I know what we are specifically working on there. However, with his girlfriend I'm clueless. Basically, the two of them are two peas in a pod with what seems like nothing to work on. His girlfriend and her partner have a good deal to work on together.
There are many details that need to be filled in, but this is the very general jist of where we are at now.