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Old 12-28-2012, 05:43 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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The issue I am having is that I want more and then it isn't so much fun anymore. If it is a crush and I just enjoy the feeling that can be fun, but I fear that I "moved past this stage" awhile back and before I knew it... it was quite strong.
Whether mild like a crush or "stronger" -- it doesn't change the fact that having feelings? Doesn't mean you HAVE to act on them or do anything about it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. It's internal weather. Given time, it will blow on through on its own. Honest.

Basically you are here:
  • 1) Your GF doesn't want to date you in a polyship. To be with her, you have to give up the yen to polyship with the other woman.
  • 2) The other woman doesn't want to date you in a polyship. To be with her, you are going to have to break up with current GF.
  • 3) If what you want is to be in polyship, you are going to have to give them BOTH up if the objection is polyamory in general and not the specific polyamory with HER. (Either the GF not wanting to be in polyship with THAT woman or the crush not wanting to be in polyship with THAT girlfriend.)


You say you want to choose getting over the woman. If that is the goal? Then it's behave in ways to support choice 1. That's why I made the other ones grey.

You could choose to change the wanting then. It is not a need. You will not die without the crush woman being in polyship with you. Or being tight buddies with you.

Stop the behaviors that are feeding the "want" --
  • Could stop thought patterns that feed the wanting. Like "Oh, I can't have this! But I want it! Argh!" Why torture yourself with thoughts like that? If you find your thoughts wandering there, think a reply back to yourself. "Stop it. I am committed to my GF. Don't feed the yen."

    I'm not sure how it works with adults but I know with toddler kids they hear the last three or four words in a sentence. So could try making sure the last 3 words in your thought reaffirm what your goal is to yourself rather than ending on what you cannot have. Don't feed the "holding your back" -- feed the "moving it forward" so you meet your goal.
  • If being around her makes you yearn for her -- could lessen the time spent with her or choose to not discuss emotionally intimate topics with her.
  • You propose spending more time with GF instead. You could try that for a time too.
  • Could try something else I can't think of right now. Maybe others can suggest.

But this belief that if you happen to feel something, you MUST do something about it or you must perish with unfillment -- could consider changing the core belief.

The core belief that you are the EFFECT of your circumstances or feelings. Like a leaf blown hither and yon in the wind. Could consider the core belief that you are the CAUSE of your circumstances and actions. You are the pilot of your own ship, you pick and forge your path. Maybe that change in POV could help?

I hope you feel better however it turns out. I know it's hard to process and work through. Hang in there. But seriously -- the mere passing of time will help lessen it to a more bearable volume or erase it altogether if you aren't behaving in ways to keep feeding it.

Good luck!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-28-2012 at 05:49 AM.
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